Ask Toto #29

Dear Toto,

Why do you hate cats so much?  Can't you all just get along?

-- from the internet

Okay, you don't fool me at all, Cat.  I don't care WHICH cat you are, you're totally a cat and you're totally trying to prank me here.  well, it's NOT gonna work!

But on the maybe 2 percent chance that you're not a cat, and because Dorothy says I have to give you the benefit of the doubt, I'll PRETEND you're a human (even though you're TOTALLY NOT) and answer your question.

I hate cats because they're cats.  THERE!  Okay, okay, okay.  

I hate cats because they're snobby and snooty and think they're so great, prancing around on those hush hush feet, stalking around silently and those eyes that don't really blink when they stare at you, it's like you're looking at a SNAKE!  They hiss like a snake too!

I hate cats because they can scratch you.  I hate cats because they ignore you and don't really need anything from you except when it's FOOD TIME, and THEN they change into a sweet loving kitty and curling around your legs like you're they're best friend ever when really it's because they're hungry AND YOU HUMANS FALL FOR IT EVERY TIME!

When I'm happy, you can see my smile, and I sit by your feet, or on the couch, or the bed, or where ever you'll let me stay.  When cats're happy, they sound like cars in the idle position.  

Cats will not tell your when there's a stranger at the door.

Cats will not protect you.

Cats do not love you.

At least, not like I do. :):):)

does that answer your question?  Thanks!

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Ask Toto #28

Dear Toto,

Don't you get hot in the summertime?  How do you stay cool?

-- from the internet

Oh yep yep.  I HATE hot weather.  You think you humans have it bad, you don't have to walk around with the equivalent of a fur coat THAT YOU CAN NEVER TAKE OFF!

Lucky for me, my breed has short wiry fur, unlike my poor cocker spaniel or golden retriever friends.  So it could, like, TOTALLY be worse.

There's a couple of tips.  I do all my running around the barn around 6am or so, before it gets really really hot (which also explains why I sleep most of the day).  I stick to shady spots.  Dorothy puts ice cubes in my water bowl.  And then when the sun comes down, I run around the farm a couple more times.  

It's not that I'm a vampire, because I like the sun.  I just don't like it much over mid 70s.  It's uncomfy, no?

thanks for the question!

Ask Toto A Question runs twice a month until the questions run out.  Don't let that happen!  Send Toto your queries at thedogtoto@yahoo.com

Ask Toto #27

Dear Toto,

What do you think about the new movie - Oz, Great And Powerful?

-- from the internet

Yep, yep.  I've been getting this question a bunch.  It makes sense.  It's a movie about Oz.  I've been to Oz.  My story (some would say it's Dorothy's story and I happen to be in it, but you know, MY BLOG, MY PERCEPTION, MY RULES) is one of the great classic tales about Oz.  I should have an opinion about this, shouldn't I?

Before I say anything, here's the trailer:

Prequels are tough.  I haven't seen a lot of them that I liked.  Maybe parts of Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me?  The parts that I didn't cover my eyes with my paws and zoom under the bed?  Dorothy says things like the most recent Star Trek and Godfather II are prequels, but since I thought they were stand alone movies, I didn't count them as prequels.  Maybe that's the point?  I mean... HEY, I'M A DOG!  NOT A MOVIE CRITIC!

In depicting Oz, the trailer kinda gives off the stench of an overripe tomato (felt the same way about the recent reboot of Alice In Wonderland, too).  It seems like it's trying too hard to use a lot of callbacks to the 1939 version of Wizard Of Oz.  And when you do that, it becomes less of a stand alone movie and more of a potential mess.  I guess I'll buy a ticket (Wait, I'm a dog, I don't have to buy tickets, Dorothy sneaks me into the theater in her basket), but I have really kind of ehhhhhhhh feelings about this.   But what do you expect?  #1 - I'm a dog.  #2 - the movie doesn't have ME in it.  Did you think I was gonna be overjoyed by it?  NOT REALLY.

thanks for the question!

Ask Toto A Question runs twice a month until the questions run out. Don't let that happen! Send Toto your queries at thedogtoto@yahoo.com.

Ask Toto #26

Dear Toto,

Why didn't you bite Miss Gulch harder?

-- from the internet

Hey there!  Okay, to straighten things out a tad:  Miss Gulch was in the movie, The Wizard of Oz, not in the original story about my life, L. Frank Baum's The Wonderful Wizard Of Oz.  It's important to be clear about things from the get go.

As such, I wasn't the one in The Wizard Of Oz movie.  That would be Terry, the cairn terrier, who does a FANTASTIC job conveying my mixed emotions at arriving in Oz (I hate it here!/must protect Dorothy!/what IS that thing coming to kill us?!)

But if I HAD to take a guess at why Terry playing me and the 18 WRITERS (seriously, people, just look here ) didn't have Toto bite Miss Gulch harder is, well, she's a tough old bird.  And dogs are not cannibals.  No need to chomp through the skin.  One warning bite is enough to get the broad to back off.  Besides, the character of me in Wizard Of Oz had a GREAT reason to bite Miss Gulch:  

                 DOROTHY
 Oh, but Aunt Em, Miss Gulch hit Toto right 

 over the back with a rake just because she 

 says he gets in her garden and chases her 

 nasty old cat every day.

YOU DON'T HIT A DOG WITH A RAKE!  DON'T DO IT!  IT'S MEAN, ROTTEN AND WRONG!  Miss Gulch deserved to be bit!  A bunch!  Oooooh, ooooooh, now I'm just madder than mad.  I'm gonna have to go take a dip in the lake to cool off.

So, lesson we've learned today - Miss Gulch is tough.  Terry is Cairn Terrier is playing a version of me, but is NOT me.  18 writers on the MGM version of Wizard Of Oz is excessive.  And above all else, don't hit your dog with a rake.  

Thanks for the question!

Ask Toto A Question runs twice a month until the questions run out. Don't let that happen! Send Toto your queries at thedogtoto@yahoo.com.

Ask Toto #25

From  kellyannford on twitter

Dear @totothedog - just wondering...do you prefer to ride inside or on top of the car? Also, is a Starbucks gift card a romantic gesture?

Hi Kelly!

Oh, I’ve heard about this one!  Some guy named Mitt Romney who wants to run for Emperor Of Emerald City or something took Barrett, his golden retriever for a car ride and strapped the dog carrier on top of the car with the dog inside .

There’s a lot wrong with that story, regardless of what Whackadoo Mitt says.  This is obviously a case of Owner Not Listening To What His Dog Is Not Saying.

It’s really important to be able to be attuned to your dog’s needs.  Humans need to understand our many many moods.  We’re practically people in dog’s fur.  Just because we like the wind in our ears, and just because we will occasionally deign to sit/sleep in a crate does NOT mean we like to sit in a crate strapped to the roof of a car traveling to Canada.  A + B does NOT equal C in this case.

Does Barrett the golden retriever need to TELL his Mittmaster that no, no, no, this idea is bad, please don’t make me do it?  That no, no, no, what happens if you get in a wreck and suddenly I’m launched like a projectile canine football into the interstate air?  No, no, no, just because you’re bigger than me does not mean you have the better ideas?

No, no, no, Barrett does not need to tell Mittmooney that.  BECAUSE MITT SHOULD KNOW BETTER!

Mitt should listen to what Barrett is not saying by following this simple rule.

DO NOT DO TO YOUR DOGS WHAT YOU WOULDN’T WANT TO HAVE DONE TO YOURSELF.

If  Mittastic is perfectly willing to squash himself into a crate, strapped to the roof of a car and drive across borders with Barrett behind the wheel, then fine, go to it.

What?  Mitt can’t fit in the crate?  Mitt thinks it might be scary to be strapped to the roof of a car and driven for 12 hours?

DO NOT DO TO YOUR DOGS WHAT YOU WOULDN’T WANT TO HAVE DONE TO YOURSELF, MITTBEANBRAIN!

Now for question 2 – Is a Starbucks gift card a romantic gesture?  Um, um, um, I’m gonna have to get a ruling from Dorothy, hang on.  Dorothy!  Is a Starbucks gift card romantic?  Should I run out and buy you a truckload?

Okay, well, Dorothy can’t understand me, but some Google research tells me that Starbucks is either about coffee, or multiples copies of a character on Battlestar Galactica.  How would you get a gift card that gives you a person?  And why does Dorothy need anyone other than me?  I’M all she ever needs.

So I’m gonna say that unless you want your significant other to break up with you, do not get them a Starbucks gift card.  Unless it’s for coffee.  That is TOTALLY okay.

Thanks for the question!

Ask Toto A Question runs twice a month until the questions run out. Don't let that happen! Send Toto your queries at thedogtoto@yahoo.com.

Let’s Talk About This April Fool’s Day Thing

So yesterday, Dorothy called for me to come into the living room. Where she sat me down in front of the fireplace, and told me there were going to be a few changes around here. You know your stomach drops at that phrase, right? “There’s going to be a few changes around here.”

And I was like, hey, I haven’t done anything wrong. Not in the past hour, anyway. No reason for any changes to be made because of some goof I did. Toilet bowl water is cool and refreshing! If the water in the water bowl was the same crisp temperature as the water in the toilet bowl, I’d be drinking outta that! Why do you humans have to make things so DIFFICULT for us dogs, huh?

Anyhow, so Dorothy had this really solemn look on her face as she says three things:

1. My favorite stuffed rabbit chew toy got accidentally thrown out.
2. She read an article saying bacon is bad for dogs and I can’t have any any more.
3. They’re getting another cat.

Then her mouth kept moving, but I couldn’t hear her anymore and black walls started closing in, like we were driving through a tunnel, and I passed out, and Dorothy thought I was playing dead, and it took a couple of tummy rubs to revive me, and when I finally staggered to my paws, she grinned big and said

“APRIL FOOL’S!”


Wha-huh? April who? We don’t know anyone named April, so who is she, and what is she doing around here? She sounds pretty evil, and I don’t let Dorothy hang out with evil people. I mean, not here in the states. On our trips to Oz, it’s a little unavoidable, and we manage as best we can.

Dorothy then went on to explain that April 1st is a globally known day for practical jokes, where you prank dogs who love you and give them minor coronaries before screaming APRIL FOOL’S and all is apparently forgiven.

I do not like this date. I do not like it at all.

Still, to get into the spirit of things, I ran outside and found the cat and promptly told it:

1. Dorothy doesn’t love you.
2. Neither does Uncle Henry and Aunt Em
3. You’re not welcome on the farm anymore.

The cat just yawned in my face and said something like, “April Fool’s doesn’t work on cats.”

So then I chased it into the pig’s water trough. And went about my day.

But in all seriousness. Do not prank your dog on April Fool’s. It’s seriously not cool.

Cats are fair game, though.

Ask Toto #24

It’s time to shake things up here at Ask Toto. I’m gonna do a movie review! Of The Artist!

I love movies. You know how you humans are always loving the movies because it’s only the movies where a guy and and a girl can meet cute because she spills something on him, or he hits her with a car, or they both realize they’re working for the same company and fall in love? Well, dogs love the movies, because we love to see dogs walking with their masters and sometimes it’s without a leash! Freedom! FREEEEEEEEEDOOOOOOMMMMMM!

Terry didn’t need a leash when she played me in Wizard of Oz. Can you imagine it? Lions, scarecrows, tin men, flying monkeys, and a green witch and Terry got through all of it LEASHLESS!

And Uggie, the Jack Russell terrier doesn’t need a leash for any of The Artist. FREEEEEEEEEDOOOOOOMMMMMM!

The Artist is about silent screen actor George Valentin, and the madness that consumes him when he realizes he can’t get a job any more during the advent of movies with sound. It’s up to his dog to be his faithful companion even though his master is a self involved boob who doesn’t realize his dog is the best thing to ever happen to him, and it’s up to the faithful dog to protect him when Valentin’s madness forces him to burn his house down, causing one character to comment (with the helpful title card) “He owes his life to that dog!”’

I was kinda bored during the second half of the movie, ‘cause I thought we spent waaaaaaaaay too much time on Valentin’s mopey-ness and How Many Ways Can I Stumble Through My Career Crisis.

But Uggie did a really good job, especially since he’s portraying a dog who doesn’t even have a name (thanks for that, Michel Hazanavicius!)

While Uggie did great with his expressions –

Smiling Open Mouthed,

















Concerned Look,

















and Bark Face…

















… my favorite part was of course when Uggie ran down the street to get the policeman to follow him back to Valentin’s house because Valentin had set his house on fire. Uggie ran faster than Valentin and Peppy’s tap dancing at the end of the movie. Now there was drama! There was dramatic stakes! There was the one character in the movie who knew what was important – his master was insane and trying to kill himself!

Uggie is now retiring from show business, and this is definitely a career high (which has also included Mr. Fix It and Like Water For Elephants) for him. And while he didn't win an Oscar, he got to MEET Oscar, which to me, is tons better.

Way to go, Uggie!





Ask Toto A Question runs twice a month until the questions run out. Don't let that happen! Send Toto your queries at thedogtoto@yahoo.com.