Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Ask Toto #25

From  kellyannford on twitter

Dear @totothedog - just you prefer to ride inside or on top of the car? Also, is a Starbucks gift card a romantic gesture?

Hi Kelly!

Oh, I’ve heard about this one!  Some guy named Mitt Romney who wants to run for Emperor Of Emerald City or something took Barrett, his golden retriever for a car ride and strapped the dog carrier on top of the car with the dog inside .

There’s a lot wrong with that story, regardless of what Whackadoo Mitt says.  This is obviously a case of Owner Not Listening To What His Dog Is Not Saying.

It’s really important to be able to be attuned to your dog’s needs.  Humans need to understand our many many moods.  We’re practically people in dog’s fur.  Just because we like the wind in our ears, and just because we will occasionally deign to sit/sleep in a crate does NOT mean we like to sit in a crate strapped to the roof of a car traveling to Canada.  A + B does NOT equal C in this case.

Does Barrett the golden retriever need to TELL his Mittmaster that no, no, no, this idea is bad, please don’t make me do it?  That no, no, no, what happens if you get in a wreck and suddenly I’m launched like a projectile canine football into the interstate air?  No, no, no, just because you’re bigger than me does not mean you have the better ideas?

No, no, no, Barrett does not need to tell Mittmooney that.  BECAUSE MITT SHOULD KNOW BETTER!

Mitt should listen to what Barrett is not saying by following this simple rule.


If  Mittastic is perfectly willing to squash himself into a crate, strapped to the roof of a car and drive across borders with Barrett behind the wheel, then fine, go to it.

What?  Mitt can’t fit in the crate?  Mitt thinks it might be scary to be strapped to the roof of a car and driven for 12 hours?


Now for question 2 – Is a Starbucks gift card a romantic gesture?  Um, um, um, I’m gonna have to get a ruling from Dorothy, hang on.  Dorothy!  Is a Starbucks gift card romantic?  Should I run out and buy you a truckload?

Okay, well, Dorothy can’t understand me, but some Google research tells me that Starbucks is either about coffee, or multiples copies of a character on Battlestar Galactica.  How would you get a gift card that gives you a person?  And why does Dorothy need anyone other than me?  I’M all she ever needs.

So I’m gonna say that unless you want your significant other to break up with you, do not get them a Starbucks gift card.  Unless it’s for coffee.  That is TOTALLY okay.

Thanks for the question!

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Monday, April 2, 2012

Let’s Talk About This April Fool’s Day Thing

So yesterday, Dorothy called for me to come into the living room. Where she sat me down in front of the fireplace, and told me there were going to be a few changes around here. You know your stomach drops at that phrase, right? “There’s going to be a few changes around here.”

And I was like, hey, I haven’t done anything wrong. Not in the past hour, anyway. No reason for any changes to be made because of some goof I did. Toilet bowl water is cool and refreshing! If the water in the water bowl was the same crisp temperature as the water in the toilet bowl, I’d be drinking outta that! Why do you humans have to make things so DIFFICULT for us dogs, huh?

Anyhow, so Dorothy had this really solemn look on her face as she says three things:

1. My favorite stuffed rabbit chew toy got accidentally thrown out.
2. She read an article saying bacon is bad for dogs and I can’t have any any more.
3. They’re getting another cat.

Then her mouth kept moving, but I couldn’t hear her anymore and black walls started closing in, like we were driving through a tunnel, and I passed out, and Dorothy thought I was playing dead, and it took a couple of tummy rubs to revive me, and when I finally staggered to my paws, she grinned big and said


Wha-huh? April who? We don’t know anyone named April, so who is she, and what is she doing around here? She sounds pretty evil, and I don’t let Dorothy hang out with evil people. I mean, not here in the states. On our trips to Oz, it’s a little unavoidable, and we manage as best we can.

Dorothy then went on to explain that April 1st is a globally known day for practical jokes, where you prank dogs who love you and give them minor coronaries before screaming APRIL FOOL’S and all is apparently forgiven.

I do not like this date. I do not like it at all.

Still, to get into the spirit of things, I ran outside and found the cat and promptly told it:

1. Dorothy doesn’t love you.
2. Neither does Uncle Henry and Aunt Em
3. You’re not welcome on the farm anymore.

The cat just yawned in my face and said something like, “April Fool’s doesn’t work on cats.”

So then I chased it into the pig’s water trough. And went about my day.

But in all seriousness. Do not prank your dog on April Fool’s. It’s seriously not cool.

Cats are fair game, though.