Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Let’s Talk About Appropriate Halloween Attire

So Halloween is coming around again, like it does every year, and this year, I would like to take a moment to talk about appropriate costumes to wear. 

I know there’s some of you out there who just LOVE to dress your dogs up in silly outfits for Halloween.  Like this:

 And you know, I’m not really a fan of those outfits, but then again, to each their own, or more like to each dog their own costume burden to bear.  Just remember to take a good long look at your dog in that outfit.  

Does your dog look sad?  Uncomfy?  Giving you the glare of death?  If so, GET THAT COSTUME OFF OF HIM PRONTO! 

But beyond that, let’s talk about Appropriate Halloween Attire for Adults.  I know humans like to dress up in some pretty wacky/wild/weird stuff.  I don’t why you go to such weird lengths for candy, but again, to each their own inner Closet Of Make Believe Stuff.

BUT!  Can we PLEASE call a moratorium (Yeah, I said moratorium. Yeah, I know what that word is) on this whole genre of Sexy Nurse/Witch/Pirate/Doll/Whatever costume? Why are you humans dressing like that?  Isn’t the point of Halloween to get candy and have fun?  Do you really think you need to dress like that to get candy?  Because you don’t, you know.

You can dress like a ghost with two eyeholes, knock on a door, and they’ll give you candy. That’s how it works on Halloween. You put on a (reasonable) costume, you knock on a door that has the lights on, they open the door, they give you candy.

You don’t have to wear something like this. Because, at the very least, AREN’T YOU COLD!?

And definitely, definitely, definitely don’t wear something like this.  This is war.  Dorothy is a young girl from the farm! You are shaming my woman’s honor, and I WON’T STAND FOR IT.

(Not to mention, that dog looks NOTHING like me. And that's Paris Hilton. Who's got major problems anyway.)

If you wear something like this on Halloween, you are essentially the lowest of the low.  You are degrading a cherished memory of childhood. There is something wrong with you.  You wanna be pretty?  You wanna be sexy? Go for it by being a mature responsible fun confident person who loves CANDY.
But if I see you in this on Halloween night, I am absolutely biting your ankle and peeing on your leg. Which I will have easy access to, since if you’re wearing this, not much is on your leg to stop me.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Ask Toto #47

Dear Toto,

What are your biggest goals and dreams?

- dreaming in Montana

Hello Montana!  Well, what an interesting question!  I break them out into two things - big and small.  Goals are smaller, achievable here on earth, in a reasonable amount of time.  Dreams are bigger, like the dog version of when people win the lottery.

So!  My biggest goal is to get rid of the cat that runs around here on the farm.  I'm sorry, but he's just evil.  Sure, his name Otto, (he was a stray found near Ottowa, Kansas) but don't let that fool you, he's straight up EVIL.  Anything that can stare at you unblinking for long periods of time the way that cat does, is just not cool.

Otto would love for nothing more than to be Dorothy's one and only.  He purrs when she pets him and winds her tail around her LIKE AN EVIL SNAKE.  But he hisses at me and snarls and tries to swat my nose with his claws, and I can tell you it's a good thing that I am a WARRIOR WIREHAIR TERRIER and I have no fear of the evil Otto cat, and I charge him without hesitation (I also weigh more than him).  He knows I'm boss, but I'm not really 100 percent happy until he finds some other farm to live on.

As far as my dream?  Oooooh, that's super easy.  My dream is for me to live with Dorothy forever and ever, without any weird things from Oz or any Otto cats around interfering with us.  I would like to be able to talk to her sometimes.  But I don't wanna freak her out too much.  So just us together forever and ever.  And no cats anywhere.

Thanks for the question!

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