Ask Toto #44

Dear Toto,

I am exasperated with my dog.  I love Ben to death, but he insists on finding every stinky thing in the yard possible, and then rolling around in it.  Since he has s white coat, this is truly disgusting on a scent AND aesthetic level.  Why on earth would any dog want to do this and what can I do?

--  Fed up in Bishop, California

Hi Fed Up!

I guess we’re on kind of a stinky theme this month, are we?  Okay fine.  No problem.

I admit, this is one of the grosser things that dogs do.  And no, it doesn’t make sense to humans.  But you know, there’s plenty of things that humans do that make no sense to dogs.  Like waxing.

BUT! The common scientific explanation for why dogs like to roll around in stinky things is because back when dogs were wild and roamed in packs and were considered more as hunters than cute cuddly things that you sit on the couch with, rolling around in a stinky mess would help hide our natural scent from the things that we were tracking. So our prey would catch a whiff, and think “Hey, that sure smells awful over there. Thank God it’s not a dog,” and they’d relax and then we’d POUNCE, and the chase is on.

Those days are long behind us, but the instinct is still ingrained within our DNA.  Nowadays when we do it, it’s more like, “Oh my GOSH!  Can you believe this pile of mess I found!?  Nobody’s gonna believe this!  I’d better roll around in it and take it back to show everyone so they too can be amazed at the utter STENCH OF THIS STUFF!”

In other words, it’s the human equivalent of a frat boy calling his brothers into the bathroom to look at the amazing poop he just took.

Yep, it’s gross.  But seriously, can you BELIEVE THIS THING!

P.S., when you google the phrase, “Why do dogs roll around in dead animals, this picture of Russell Brand also came up. Which is hilarious to me, so I had to include it.  CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS THING!?”

Thanks for the question!

Ask Toto A Question runs twice a month until the questions run out.  Don't let that happen!  Send Toto your queries at thedogtoto@yahoo.com

Ask Toto #43

Dear Toto,

Why do dogs sniff their butts?  Am I supposed to sniff the butt of any new person I meet?

-- Curious six year old in Iowa.

Hi Curious!

Oh, my gosh NO!  Do NOT sniff the butt of ANYBODY, new person or old person.  HUMANS DO NOT DO THAT!

This is a particularly interesting instinct that dogs do with dogs.

Look at it this way – Dogs can’t shake hands, right?  I mean, yes, they can shake hands with you if they’re sitting and you give them the command to “Shake hands.”  But dogs can’t shake hands with each other.  Because we’ve got four paws, which paws would we shake with, and the other dogs is wondering the same thing because with four paws per dog, you end up with a mathmathetical paw mess in no time.

So when dogs sniff butts, it’s the dog way of shaking hands.  Yes, I know it seems gross to humans. 

But a dog’s brain has a bigger capacity for smells.  We’ve already talked about our amazing super sensitive sniffer noses.  But a large percent of our brains (possibly the same percent that humans use to remember all the TV shows and movies they’ve seen) are devoted to recognizing and understanding smells (also why we bury bones, because we’re the ones that can find them buried under dirt thanks to our super sense of smell.)  So just how you can remember the first time you saw Wizard Of Oz with ME, we can remember the dogs we’ve met by smelling their butts.  The dog’s butt is our first impression – by smelling it, we can get a sense of who they are, if they’re a nice dog or an aloof one, if they’re not feeling great that day, and a whole bunch of other things.

So yes, of course it’s weird.  No, humans shouldn’t do it.  But that’s just one of the things that makes dogs dogs.

thanks for the question!

Ask Toto A Question runs twice a month until the questions run out.  Don't let that happen!  Send Toto your queries at thedogtoto@yahoo.com

Toto Review - Puss In Boots

So Dorothy wanted to watch Puss In Boots the other day on DVD.  She had missed it when it came to the theaters, but really, it was my super power mind control, causing her to forget it was IN theaters.  I'm pretty sneaky like that.

But when Dorothy gets an idea, it's kinda hard to stop her.  Plus she said if I was extra good during the movie, that she'd sneak me extra bacon for breakfast, and you guys KNOW I'm a sucker for bacon.

So we watched the movie, and Dorothy suggested if I wrote a review, there might be peanut butter and bacon in my future.  Well, you don't have to tell ME twice.

So here we go!

Puss in Boots is a swashbuckling cat who’s tracking down Jack in The Beanstalk’s Magic Beans.  Kitty Softpaws and Humpty Dumpty are looking for the same thing, and they all decide to team up and get the beans together.  Then there’s a lot of stuff about personal honor and revenge and how some eggs just can’t let things GO.  And a bunch of action sequences, villains in the form of Jack and Jill and one GIANT golden goose.  But in the end, Puss saves his hometown, restores his honor, Humpty Dumpty turns into good golden egg, and there’s a celebration dance done to Lady Gaga’s “Americano.”

So what are my thoughts? Could I like Puss In Boots, when I generally don’t like cats?

Well, I can certainly identify with people not taking Puss seriously in the beginning scenes of the movie.  No one takes ME seriously, all because I can’t talk.  But I can TYPE.  Doesn’t that make me pretty awesome?

No telling if Puss can type, but I also totally identify with his suave and smooth ways, though I carry all mine on the inside.  Puss In Boots is pretty much an extrovert in that way, whereas I like to be more guarded, more subtle, keep your opponent guessing, that kind of thing.  Puss is all about exterior bravado.  I’m all about interior confidence.  Totally in keeping with most cats that I run over.  I MEAN ACROSS!  (that was totally a joke, you know that, right?)

BUT!  I cannot condone his promiscuous ways!  Though Puss does indeed end up with the lovely Kitty Softpaws, there are plenty of hints in the beginning of the movie that Puss is a love ‘em and leave ‘em kind of cat.  THAT’S SO NOT COOL!  I am a One Woman kind of dog, and I can’t help but think that Puss could have saved himself a lot of trouble had he just adopted the same kind of mantra as me.

As for the movie itself, it’s certainly a fun enough ride, with plenty of action to keep anybody entertained.  I do question whether The Great Terror was truly imaginative enough, but I give the movie total props for the “You Snap ME!?” sequence.  Here:

I’m gonna have an awesome time terrorizing the cat that keeps slinking around Uncle Henry’s farm with it.  I sure am.

Okay, Dorothy!  Ready for my bacon and peanut butter bonus now! :)

Ask Toto #42

Dear Toto,

Why do dogs bury their bones?

Backyard is dirty in Ohio

Hi Backyard!

So, yes this seems weird at first.  A large succulent bone, and what do we do, we bury it in a hole and paw dirt back over it.  Why would you do that to that delectable bone, right?

Dogs bury bones because it's ingrained in our DNA.  Back when we were pack dogs running wild and human were still Cro-Magnons, and dinosaurs were running around (okay, maybe not THAT far back), 

dogs were never sure where their next meal would be coming from.  So in order to protect the food we had currently, we'd pick a spot and then bury it.  We’d always be able to find it because we’ve got Super Sniffer Noses and a keen sense of direction.

And yes, when we dig up the bone, it’s got dirt on it.  But you know, dirt is highly underrated as a seasoning.  Dogs don’t mind dirt. We get it on our paws all the time you know.

So yes, it may seem weird, but then again consider what humans do with the stuff they consider valuable?

Money - put it in a bank. A separate institution run by people they don't know

Jewelry - put it in a vault and only bring it out on special occasions.

People – put them in a house with a security system that their pets sometimes set off (we’re SORRY!  Honest!)

So really, we’re all kinda weird about the stuff we like, no?

Thanks for the question!

Ask Toto A Question runs twice a month until the questions run out.  Don't let that happen!  Send Toto your queries at thedogtoto@yahoo.com

Ask Toto #41

Dear Toto,

When my dog is sleeping, she woofs and twitches in her sleep, like she’s dreaming.  What do dogs dream about?  What did you dream about last night?

-       Curious and Dreaming

Hi Curious!  Great question!

Absolutely, dogs dream.  Can’t you tell by watching us?

We’re not exercising in our sleep, you know.  That’s what daytime hours are about.

But you ask any smartypants doctor, he will explain that yes, dogs experience the same type of REM sleep that humans do when they’re dreaming.  It’s just that most dogs can’t tell you that they dreamed or what they dreamed, because most dogs can’t talk.

BUT I CAN!

Most of the time, I dream pretty normal stuff.  You know, the usual.  Chasing rabbits, chasing the cows, chasing the chickens and the pigs and the horses. 

On the few occasions I find myself in Oz with Dorothy, WOO BUDDY! Those dreams are like Technicolor nightmares, filled with Nome Kings, rolling eggs, lavender bears, vengeful cinnamon buns, and all sorts of things.  Which is why I prefer to spend as little time in Oz as possible. 

But last night, I had a pretty good dream.  Dorothy had taken me to the lake, and we were on a sailboat.  I sniffed at the fish in the water, and stood at the bow of the ship and pretended I was captain as Dorothy steered us around.

Then when we docked, a giant army of evil cats showed up!  I grew ten feet tall and battled the cats to protect Dorothy.  I chased all the evil cats into the water where the fish ate them.  And Dorothy and I were safe again.

Those are the best kind of dreams for me.  Not the cat part, though I shed no tears over cats.  But the parts where it’s me and Dorothy together forever, those are the dreams I like the best.  Because they’re the ones that are the closest to reality.

Thanks for the question!

Ask Toto A Question runs twice a month until the questions run out.  Don't let that happen!  Send Toto your queries at thedogtoto@yahoo.com

Ask Toto #40

Dear Toto, 

Why don't dogs like squirrels?  Every dog I know has lunged after a squirrel they see on their walks.  What gives?

- Aren’t Squirrels Okay?

No, squirrels are NOT okay.  Not by a long shot. 

I get it, I mean, look at ‘em.  They look cute with the big eyes and the tiny paws holding a nut, and the bushy bushy tail.

But what humans don’t know (and dogs do) is that there is an evil underground squirrel conspiracy.

YES!  The squirrels have a vast underground network.  Literally.  It’s underground.  And it is here, in the miles and miles of caves just underneath our feet that they are plotting and planning to take over the world.

YES!  Because do you know what squirrels want more than anything else in the world?

(No, it’s not more nuts.  They can get those anytime they want.)

SQUIRRELS WANT TO LIVE INDOORS!

Think about it!  Do you ever see a squirrel indoors?  No!  Why?  Because they’re not allowed! 
And you know what happens when you’re not allowed something?  YOU GATHER YOUR SQUIRREL COMRADES TOGETHER AND PLOT TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

Squirrels want to live indoors.  They want to sleep in a bed, cook in kitchens, take baths in bathtubs, and sit on couches and watch Kitchen Nightmares. 

And how gross would that be, amiright?

So when a human sees a squirrel dashing across a lawn, it’s not that the squirrel is trying to get food and scurry back up a tree, it’s that they’re trying to delivery important communiqués to other squirrel squadrons.  And it’s up to us dogs to disrupt that information chain as best we can.

Which is why we bark at them.  Lunge at them.  Growl at them.  Hate them with a passion.

So don’t scold us when we lunge at a squirrel on our walks.  Because we’re just trying to protect the human race is all.  no big deal. :)

Thanks for the question!

Ask Toto A Question runs twice a month until the questions run out.  Don't let that happen!  Send Toto your queries at thedogtoto@yahoo.com

So let's Talk About This Accessories and Groomers thing.

So let’s talk about The Groomers Wanting To Put Things In Your Fur Phenomenon.

First of all… why? 

What is it with people, okay, let’s be fair here, what is it with Groomers wanting to tie bows in your ears, or handkerchiefs around your neck, or whatever after they’re done washing and blow drying you?

What is WITH this phenomenon?  Seriously, you’re gonna have to help me because I’m a dog and I don’t understand it.

I have been doing a lot of heavy thinking about the subject, and I think I’ve got it narrowed down to a few options:

#1 – The event of washing and drying a dog at the groomers is so traumatic, they think dressing us up will make us forget the previous horror.

#2 – They think we look cute in them.

#3 – They think we look stupid in them and they’re secretly laughing as our owners take us out the door.

#4 – They’re bored.

#5 – They’re bored and the accessories are right there, and better on a dog than a human?

#6 – The kerchief keeps us cool. (it doesn't)

#7 – The kerchief makes us LOOK cool. (not really)

#8 – The kerchief is a secret code for an underground turf war known only to rival groomers across the city, i.e. THIS DOG IS MINE!  YOU CAN’T HAVE ‘EM!  MINE MINE MINE!

Regardless, I can tell you, from personal experience, that regardless of your groomer’s intentions, YOUR DOG DOES NOT WANT A BOW IN ITS EARS, OR A KERCHIEF AROUND ITS NECK!

I mean, really.  We kinda hate it.  We kinda hate it a lot.  It doesn’t matter how cute you think we look, cutting those things out of here is an absolute witch of a situation.

So next time you take your little wagalong to the groomer’s simply opt out of the Accessories After The Bath option.  Your dog will thank you for it.  Trust me.