Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Ask Toto #40

Dear Toto, 

Why don't dogs like squirrels?  Every dog I know has lunged after a squirrel they see on their walks.  What gives?

- Aren’t Squirrels Okay?

No, squirrels are NOT okay.  Not by a long shot. 

I get it, I mean, look at ‘em.  They look cute with the big eyes and the tiny paws holding a nut, and the bushy bushy tail.

But what humans don’t know (and dogs do) is that there is an evil underground squirrel conspiracy.

YES!  The squirrels have a vast underground network.  Literally.  It’s underground.  And it is here, in the miles and miles of caves just underneath our feet that they are plotting and planning to take over the world.

YES!  Because do you know what squirrels want more than anything else in the world?

(No, it’s not more nuts.  They can get those anytime they want.)


Think about it!  Do you ever see a squirrel indoors?  No!  Why?  Because they’re not allowed! 
And you know what happens when you’re not allowed something?  YOU GATHER YOUR SQUIRREL COMRADES TOGETHER AND PLOT TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

Squirrels want to live indoors.  They want to sleep in a bed, cook in kitchens, take baths in bathtubs, and sit on couches and watch Kitchen Nightmares. 

And how gross would that be, amiright?

So when a human sees a squirrel dashing across a lawn, it’s not that the squirrel is trying to get food and scurry back up a tree, it’s that they’re trying to delivery important communiqués to other squirrel squadrons.  And it’s up to us dogs to disrupt that information chain as best we can.

Which is why we bark at them.  Lunge at them.  Growl at them.  Hate them with a passion.

So don’t scold us when we lunge at a squirrel on our walks.  Because we’re just trying to protect the human race is all.  no big deal. :)

Thanks for the question!

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