Ask Toto #40

Dear Toto, 

Why don't dogs like squirrels?  Every dog I know has lunged after a squirrel they see on their walks.  What gives?

- Aren’t Squirrels Okay?

No, squirrels are NOT okay.  Not by a long shot. 

I get it, I mean, look at ‘em.  They look cute with the big eyes and the tiny paws holding a nut, and the bushy bushy tail.

But what humans don’t know (and dogs do) is that there is an evil underground squirrel conspiracy.

YES!  The squirrels have a vast underground network.  Literally.  It’s underground.  And it is here, in the miles and miles of caves just underneath our feet that they are plotting and planning to take over the world.

YES!  Because do you know what squirrels want more than anything else in the world?

(No, it’s not more nuts.  They can get those anytime they want.)

SQUIRRELS WANT TO LIVE INDOORS!

Think about it!  Do you ever see a squirrel indoors?  No!  Why?  Because they’re not allowed! 
And you know what happens when you’re not allowed something?  YOU GATHER YOUR SQUIRREL COMRADES TOGETHER AND PLOT TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

Squirrels want to live indoors.  They want to sleep in a bed, cook in kitchens, take baths in bathtubs, and sit on couches and watch Kitchen Nightmares. 

And how gross would that be, amiright?

So when a human sees a squirrel dashing across a lawn, it’s not that the squirrel is trying to get food and scurry back up a tree, it’s that they’re trying to delivery important communiqués to other squirrel squadrons.  And it’s up to us dogs to disrupt that information chain as best we can.

Which is why we bark at them.  Lunge at them.  Growl at them.  Hate them with a passion.

So don’t scold us when we lunge at a squirrel on our walks.  Because we’re just trying to protect the human race is all.  no big deal. :)

Thanks for the question!

Ask Toto A Question runs twice a month until the questions run out.  Don't let that happen!  Send Toto your queries at thedogtoto@yahoo.com

So let's Talk About This Accessories and Groomers thing.

So let’s talk about The Groomers Wanting To Put Things In Your Fur Phenomenon.

First of all… why? 

What is it with people, okay, let’s be fair here, what is it with Groomers wanting to tie bows in your ears, or handkerchiefs around your neck, or whatever after they’re done washing and blow drying you?

What is WITH this phenomenon?  Seriously, you’re gonna have to help me because I’m a dog and I don’t understand it.

I have been doing a lot of heavy thinking about the subject, and I think I’ve got it narrowed down to a few options:

#1 – The event of washing and drying a dog at the groomers is so traumatic, they think dressing us up will make us forget the previous horror.

#2 – They think we look cute in them.

#3 – They think we look stupid in them and they’re secretly laughing as our owners take us out the door.

#4 – They’re bored.

#5 – They’re bored and the accessories are right there, and better on a dog than a human?

#6 – The kerchief keeps us cool. (it doesn't)

#7 – The kerchief makes us LOOK cool. (not really)

#8 – The kerchief is a secret code for an underground turf war known only to rival groomers across the city, i.e. THIS DOG IS MINE!  YOU CAN’T HAVE ‘EM!  MINE MINE MINE!

Regardless, I can tell you, from personal experience, that regardless of your groomer’s intentions, YOUR DOG DOES NOT WANT A BOW IN ITS EARS, OR A KERCHIEF AROUND ITS NECK!

I mean, really.  We kinda hate it.  We kinda hate it a lot.  It doesn’t matter how cute you think we look, cutting those things out of here is an absolute witch of a situation.

So next time you take your little wagalong to the groomer’s simply opt out of the Accessories After The Bath option.  Your dog will thank you for it.  Trust me.

Ask Toto #39

Dear Toto:

So Seriously.  Dogs chasing their tail.  What's the deal?

Confused on East Coast

Hi there, East Coast!

Why do dogs chase their tails.  Okay, remember when you were a kid and you would spin around and collapse to the floor in a giggling heap?  I mean, that’s what Dorothy would do a lot of the time, she said getting dizzy was fun.  Uncle Henry would sometimes get dizzy after a few drinks, but he wouldn’t spin so much as kinda stagger around the barn for awhile.

ANYWAY.

I’m guessing it’s the same sensation.  Dogs spin around because it’s dizzy and freeing and fun! 

And let’s talk about the tail.  THE TAIL!  Have you ever chomped down on your toes?  It’s hard to do as an adult, but babies seem to be perfectly able to stick their feet in their mouths.

And that’s fun, too, to lightly nibble on something that’s attached to you.  So add that, plus Dizzy Is Fun, and you’ve got the answer to your spinning dog.

But now that has me thinking, tell me, why do humans pick their nose?

Thanks for the question!

Ask Toto A Question runs twice a month until the questions run out.  Don't let that happen!  Send Toto your queries at thedogtoto@yahoo.com

So let's talk about this Easter Bunny thing.

Hey everybody!

So Easter is coming up, and I gotta tell you, dogs do NOT understand Easter at all.  Not one bit.

First of all, everyone knows that bunnies don't lay eggs.  THEY DON'T!  CHICKENS LAY EGGS!

So why it isn't the Easter Chicken clucking around on Easter morning is beyond me.  I mean, sometimes, you'll see an Easter chick, but the Bunny clearly outnumber them.  Certainly, chicks are represented enough in the form of Peeps, right?  

But then you got these guys - Bunny Peeps!  Bunnies come along and mess everything up and it's just... why.

Secondly, what's the single biggest thing that the Easter Bunny leaves for the kids?

CHOCOLATE!    Chocolate eggs, chocolate peanut butter cups, chocolate malted milk balls, Cadburry chocolate eggs.  

They even have a chocolate flavor Bunny Peep, though that simply does NOT make sense to me.

Even worse, a staple of Dorothy's Easter basket is the CHOCOLATE BUNNY.  

CHOCOLATE IS DEATH TO DOGS!  

People know this, right?  That chocolate is incredibly bad for dogs?  Because it has theobromine, a stimulant found in the cocoa plant.  Humans can process theobromine easily, but dogs can't.  

So bunnies pretending to be chickens with the egg-laying thing in addition to leaving deadly poisonous gifts to dogs, including a chocolate Easter Bunny which is basically encouraging self-cannibalization = EVIL EASTER BUNNY.

So the chickens and dogs of the world need to band together to fight off this evil evil mess.

Trying to lead the charge, I proposed an alliance of sorts with me and the chickens in Auntie Em's chicken coop - let's take down this rabbit together and save some lives!  whattdya say!?

And the chickens wanted nothing to do with me.  Oh, I tried.  I tried REALLY hard, I pointed out all the benefits to the chickens if we got rid of the Easter Bunny - nobody stealing or taking credit for your eggs, no death to dogs like me.

But chickens are... well... they're kinda dumb.  I can't speak chicken!  I can't even speak human, and I CERTAINLY cannot speak Bunny!

So I guess I'm gonna have to take down this Weirdo Easter Bunny myself this Sunday.  I'm gonna stay up all night, I'm gonna catch that sucker, and I'm gonna scare it far far away before it can cause any real damage to me, Dorothy or the chickens.

Stay tuned...

Toto Review - Oz, Great And Powerful

So Dorothy and I went to see Oz, Great And Powerful this weekend.  We have a system, you know.  Dorothy smuggles me into the movie theater in her basket, and I sit in her lap, so I don’t take up a seat.  I behave myself like a good dog, or else I don’t get popcorn, and I LURVE me some popcorn, I do, I do.   

Oz, Great and Powerful, is billed as a prequel to The Wizard of Oz, and it’s about how Oscar “Oz” Diggs, (played by James San Francisco) got to Oz and met up with three witches Evanora (Rachel Weitz) , and Theodora (Mila Kunis), who think he might be a wizard who fulfills a prophecy to kill the witch (by destroying her wand) who killed their father.

They trick James San Diego into thinking the wicked witch is Glinda (Michelle Williams), but it’s really Evanora, who also tricks Theodora by having her eat Snow White’s poisoned apple.  Theodora then turns into the green Wicked Witch right as James San Bernadino figures out that Glinda is not bad, but good, and along with a flying monkey and a china doll, and the help of Munchkins, Tinkers, and Farmers, rally to battle the witches and free Emerald City,

Are you confused yet?  I SURE AM.

Dorothy says I have to start with the positives, so okay.  I will.

I liked some of the CGI.  The tree made of butterflies, the detailing on the costumes, the score by Danny Elfman.  I liked how James Sacramento used his magic tricks and illusions to create an army that tricked the witches Yes, I liked all of that.

But PEOPLE!  Does Disney understand that L. Frank Baum wrote 13 books AFTER The Wizard Of Oz  that details a whole SLEW of adventures about Oz?  I’m in a bunch of them! The Road To Oz, The Emerald City of Oz, The Patchwork Girl of Oz, Tik-Tok of Oz (I talk in that one), The Scarecrow of Oz, and The Lost Princess of Oz (I talk a LOT in that one) just to name ones that L. Frank Baum wrote (there’s other books that other people wrote that I’m also in)

All of those L. Frank Baum books are in the public domain and it would’ve cost NOTHING to adapt any of them into a great movie that would have been faithful to the Oz universe.

But instead, we get this mess of an overstuffed CGI baked potato movie just because some Disney executive thinks a fairy tale movie should have a male protagonist.  Like there aren’t enough women and Oz enthusiasts to guarantee a boffo box office.  Are we seriously still having a debate about whether there’s a significant female audience that can propel movies into hits?  IN THE AGE OF BRIDESMAIDS!?!?

Okay, Dorothy says I have to calm down.  Fine, fine, fine.

At the end of this film, James Luis Obispo tells the Wicked Witch that she can come back whenever she wants.  But if this is supposed to be a true prequel, why would the Wizard send me and Dorothy and the gang to kill her in The Wizard of Oz, huh?  HUH!? 

Who in the world are these Tinker people?  You already have four tribes of Oz, clearly spells out in the fourteen books – Munchkins, Quadlings, Gillikins and Winkies!  Why are you trying so hard to make up your own story and not even try to have it match up with the Oz mythology that’s already there?  Because your think your story can do better?  IT CAN’T!  IT DOESN’T!

It’s totally a film for the video game generation, for people who like 3D.  I hate 3D, the glasses don’t stay on my nose and the visuals make my head hurt.

But the movie made me sad.  It’s like watching a movie about your high school class and they conveniently forgot to mention that you were there, too.  But knowing there’s a whole world of Oz books out there just waiting for someone to make fantastic movies from them.  And instead we get this mess.  And I haven’t mentioned the scariest part of the movie – James Santa Barbara’s teeth.  THAT scared me way more than the Wicked Witch or the flying baboons.

A definite WOOF of a movie.  See at your own risk, and be sad. 

Ask Toto #38

Dear Toto,

My owners have given me lots of toys, and my favorite one is the one that squeaks the loudest!  Yet my owners don't seem to like this one so much.  But they bought it for me?  What's the deal?

Porter In Los Angeles

Hi Porter!

Squeaky toys are the best, aren’t they?  The NOISE!  Oh, the NOISE!  The noise is SOOOOOOOOO awesome!  SQUEAKY SQUEAKY SQUEAKY!  I can’t get enough of it, the sound is sooooooooooooo annoying and COOL!  Because it’s a sound that happens because I’m MAKING it happen.  Dogs rarely have any sounds at their disposal.  Barking, whining, that’s about it.  So to be able to cause a toy to squeak is just, well, genius!

Humans don’t necessarily share the same kind of joy as our squeaky toys, because they can make all sorts of noises on their own.  They can talk, sing, hum, burp, shout, snore, whistle, do all sorts of things. 

As for why they bought it for you when they don’t like it when you play with it, it’s one of those buyer’s remorse things.  It might have been encased in plastic when they got it at the store, so they didn’t know how annoying it would be.  It may have been a gift from a friend.  They may have thought they could handle the squeaks, not realizing it would soon become your favorite toy, and that you would play with it quite as much as you do.

But moderation is the key.  Choose your Squeaky Time wisely.  If you see your humans start to wince, or if they yell at you, dial it down.  Try playing with it when they’re at work.  Compromise isn’t easy when it comes to dogs, but it can be done.

Thanks for the question!

Ask Toto A Question runs twice a month until the questions run out.  Don't let that happen!  Send Toto your queries at thedogtoto@yahoo.com

Ask Toto #37

Dear Toto:

I've noticed that when my dog eats his food, he'll take a few pieces of kibble from the bowl and then go a little ways away to eat it.  What's up with that?

J&J, Los Angeles

Hi J&J!

Every dog eats their kibble differently.  Some dogs inhale the whole bowl as quick as they can, because, well, it’s KIBBLE!  You’re supposed to eat it, and if you don’t eat it as soon as it’s put in front of you, it could VANISH!  DISAPPEAR!  POOF AWAY!  SO eat eat eat gobble gobble gobble it down before it happens!

Other dogs like to savor every bite, longingly, enjoying the hints of lamb, rosemary, beef stock, cardamon, etc., etc. etc.  (those dogs might also be kinda old).

But as for the dogs who take their meals on the road, even if the roads are only four steps away from the food bowl, it’s because those dogs know that it’s all about location, location, location.

Yes, the kibble will taste the same.  But the view is so much more DIFFERENT when you’re four steps away from the food bowl.  You can keep an eye on everything that’s going on, whether it’s that squirrel visible through the back door, or that awful cat who’s slinking around under the table. 

Dogs who eat their kibble away from the bowl are just extra curious and vigilant and more alert than the other dogs.

(or maybe they don’t like looking down into a food bowl when they’re eating.)

Thanks for the question!

Ask Toto A Question runs twice a month until the questions run out.  Don't let that happen!  Send Toto your queries at thedogtoto@yahoo.com