So let's talk about this Easter Bunny thing.

Hey everybody!

So Easter is coming up, and I gotta tell you, dogs do NOT understand Easter at all.  Not one bit.

First of all, everyone knows that bunnies don't lay eggs.  THEY DON'T!  CHICKENS LAY EGGS!

So why it isn't the Easter Chicken clucking around on Easter morning is beyond me.  I mean, sometimes, you'll see an Easter chick, but the Bunny clearly outnumber them.  Certainly, chicks are represented enough in the form of Peeps, right?  

But then you got these guys - Bunny Peeps!  Bunnies come along and mess everything up and it's just... why.

Secondly, what's the single biggest thing that the Easter Bunny leaves for the kids?

CHOCOLATE!    Chocolate eggs, chocolate peanut butter cups, chocolate malted milk balls, Cadburry chocolate eggs.  

They even have a chocolate flavor Bunny Peep, though that simply does NOT make sense to me.

Even worse, a staple of Dorothy's Easter basket is the CHOCOLATE BUNNY.  

CHOCOLATE IS DEATH TO DOGS!  

People know this, right?  That chocolate is incredibly bad for dogs?  Because it has theobromine, a stimulant found in the cocoa plant.  Humans can process theobromine easily, but dogs can't.  

So bunnies pretending to be chickens with the egg-laying thing in addition to leaving deadly poisonous gifts to dogs, including a chocolate Easter Bunny which is basically encouraging self-cannibalization = EVIL EASTER BUNNY.

So the chickens and dogs of the world need to band together to fight off this evil evil mess.

Trying to lead the charge, I proposed an alliance of sorts with me and the chickens in Auntie Em's chicken coop - let's take down this rabbit together and save some lives!  whattdya say!?

And the chickens wanted nothing to do with me.  Oh, I tried.  I tried REALLY hard, I pointed out all the benefits to the chickens if we got rid of the Easter Bunny - nobody stealing or taking credit for your eggs, no death to dogs like me.

But chickens are... well... they're kinda dumb.  I can't speak chicken!  I can't even speak human, and I CERTAINLY cannot speak Bunny!

So I guess I'm gonna have to take down this Weirdo Easter Bunny myself this Sunday.  I'm gonna stay up all night, I'm gonna catch that sucker, and I'm gonna scare it far far away before it can cause any real damage to me, Dorothy or the chickens.

Stay tuned...

Toto Review - Oz, Great And Powerful

So Dorothy and I went to see Oz, Great And Powerful this weekend.  We have a system, you know.  Dorothy smuggles me into the movie theater in her basket, and I sit in her lap, so I don’t take up a seat.  I behave myself like a good dog, or else I don’t get popcorn, and I LURVE me some popcorn, I do, I do.   

Oz, Great and Powerful, is billed as a prequel to The Wizard of Oz, and it’s about how Oscar “Oz” Diggs, (played by James San Francisco) got to Oz and met up with three witches Evanora (Rachel Weitz) , and Theodora (Mila Kunis), who think he might be a wizard who fulfills a prophecy to kill the witch (by destroying her wand) who killed their father.

They trick James San Diego into thinking the wicked witch is Glinda (Michelle Williams), but it’s really Evanora, who also tricks Theodora by having her eat Snow White’s poisoned apple.  Theodora then turns into the green Wicked Witch right as James San Bernadino figures out that Glinda is not bad, but good, and along with a flying monkey and a china doll, and the help of Munchkins, Tinkers, and Farmers, rally to battle the witches and free Emerald City,

Are you confused yet?  I SURE AM.

Dorothy says I have to start with the positives, so okay.  I will.

I liked some of the CGI.  The tree made of butterflies, the detailing on the costumes, the score by Danny Elfman.  I liked how James Sacramento used his magic tricks and illusions to create an army that tricked the witches Yes, I liked all of that.

But PEOPLE!  Does Disney understand that L. Frank Baum wrote 13 books AFTER The Wizard Of Oz  that details a whole SLEW of adventures about Oz?  I’m in a bunch of them! The Road To Oz, The Emerald City of Oz, The Patchwork Girl of Oz, Tik-Tok of Oz (I talk in that one), The Scarecrow of Oz, and The Lost Princess of Oz (I talk a LOT in that one) just to name ones that L. Frank Baum wrote (there’s other books that other people wrote that I’m also in)

All of those L. Frank Baum books are in the public domain and it would’ve cost NOTHING to adapt any of them into a great movie that would have been faithful to the Oz universe.

But instead, we get this mess of an overstuffed CGI baked potato movie just because some Disney executive thinks a fairy tale movie should have a male protagonist.  Like there aren’t enough women and Oz enthusiasts to guarantee a boffo box office.  Are we seriously still having a debate about whether there’s a significant female audience that can propel movies into hits?  IN THE AGE OF BRIDESMAIDS!?!?

Okay, Dorothy says I have to calm down.  Fine, fine, fine.

At the end of this film, James Luis Obispo tells the Wicked Witch that she can come back whenever she wants.  But if this is supposed to be a true prequel, why would the Wizard send me and Dorothy and the gang to kill her in The Wizard of Oz, huh?  HUH!? 

Who in the world are these Tinker people?  You already have four tribes of Oz, clearly spells out in the fourteen books – Munchkins, Quadlings, Gillikins and Winkies!  Why are you trying so hard to make up your own story and not even try to have it match up with the Oz mythology that’s already there?  Because your think your story can do better?  IT CAN’T!  IT DOESN’T!

It’s totally a film for the video game generation, for people who like 3D.  I hate 3D, the glasses don’t stay on my nose and the visuals make my head hurt.

But the movie made me sad.  It’s like watching a movie about your high school class and they conveniently forgot to mention that you were there, too.  But knowing there’s a whole world of Oz books out there just waiting for someone to make fantastic movies from them.  And instead we get this mess.  And I haven’t mentioned the scariest part of the movie – James Santa Barbara’s teeth.  THAT scared me way more than the Wicked Witch or the flying baboons.

A definite WOOF of a movie.  See at your own risk, and be sad. 

Ask Toto #38

Dear Toto,

My owners have given me lots of toys, and my favorite one is the one that squeaks the loudest!  Yet my owners don't seem to like this one so much.  But they bought it for me?  What's the deal?

Porter In Los Angeles

Hi Porter!

Squeaky toys are the best, aren’t they?  The NOISE!  Oh, the NOISE!  The noise is SOOOOOOOOO awesome!  SQUEAKY SQUEAKY SQUEAKY!  I can’t get enough of it, the sound is sooooooooooooo annoying and COOL!  Because it’s a sound that happens because I’m MAKING it happen.  Dogs rarely have any sounds at their disposal.  Barking, whining, that’s about it.  So to be able to cause a toy to squeak is just, well, genius!

Humans don’t necessarily share the same kind of joy as our squeaky toys, because they can make all sorts of noises on their own.  They can talk, sing, hum, burp, shout, snore, whistle, do all sorts of things. 

As for why they bought it for you when they don’t like it when you play with it, it’s one of those buyer’s remorse things.  It might have been encased in plastic when they got it at the store, so they didn’t know how annoying it would be.  It may have been a gift from a friend.  They may have thought they could handle the squeaks, not realizing it would soon become your favorite toy, and that you would play with it quite as much as you do.

But moderation is the key.  Choose your Squeaky Time wisely.  If you see your humans start to wince, or if they yell at you, dial it down.  Try playing with it when they’re at work.  Compromise isn’t easy when it comes to dogs, but it can be done.

Thanks for the question!

Ask Toto A Question runs twice a month until the questions run out.  Don't let that happen!  Send Toto your queries at thedogtoto@yahoo.com

Ask Toto #37

Dear Toto:

I've noticed that when my dog eats his food, he'll take a few pieces of kibble from the bowl and then go a little ways away to eat it.  What's up with that?

J&J, Los Angeles

Hi J&J!

Every dog eats their kibble differently.  Some dogs inhale the whole bowl as quick as they can, because, well, it’s KIBBLE!  You’re supposed to eat it, and if you don’t eat it as soon as it’s put in front of you, it could VANISH!  DISAPPEAR!  POOF AWAY!  SO eat eat eat gobble gobble gobble it down before it happens!

Other dogs like to savor every bite, longingly, enjoying the hints of lamb, rosemary, beef stock, cardamon, etc., etc. etc.  (those dogs might also be kinda old).

But as for the dogs who take their meals on the road, even if the roads are only four steps away from the food bowl, it’s because those dogs know that it’s all about location, location, location.

Yes, the kibble will taste the same.  But the view is so much more DIFFERENT when you’re four steps away from the food bowl.  You can keep an eye on everything that’s going on, whether it’s that squirrel visible through the back door, or that awful cat who’s slinking around under the table. 

Dogs who eat their kibble away from the bowl are just extra curious and vigilant and more alert than the other dogs.

(or maybe they don’t like looking down into a food bowl when they’re eating.)

Thanks for the question!

Ask Toto A Question runs twice a month until the questions run out.  Don't let that happen!  Send Toto your queries at thedogtoto@yahoo.com

Ask Toto #36

@totothedog Here's a question for Toto: Are there any yummy homemade dog treats like these in Oz? 

http://www.steweyunscene.com/2013/01/tasty-treats.html

via  @steweyunscene on Twitter

Hi Stewey!

Holy chickens and cats!  What IS that!?  It’s… it’s… it’s a DOG BISCUIT TREAT MAKER KIT!?  From Bed, Bath and Beyond!?

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

That is one of the most amazing things I’ve ever seen!  A TREAT MAKER KIT!  SO YOU CAN BAKE TREATS FOR YOUR DOG LIKE HUMANS BAKE COOKIES FOR THEMSELVES!

Wow!  Now I’ve gotta find the closest store in Kansas and direct Dorothy to it to get it for us!

Is there anything like that in Oz?  Nope, can’t say there is.  Ozma and Glinda haven’t let any earthly retail corporations set up shop in Oz (which is good, who wants to see a Starbucks in the Emerald City, right?)

So no Starbucks, no Bed Bath and Beyond, no Target, your iPhones don’t work in Oz, but that’s why Oz and everything in it is timeless.

But the good people of Oz generally bake me treats, It just depends on which part of Oz I’m in.  The Munchkins put blueberries in their treats, the Quadlings dust theirs with cinnamon, the Gilikins stuff theirs with beets (they’re the ones I like the least), and the ones the Winkies make taste like roasted corn.

It’s one of the few things I like when I’m in Oz – being that I’m the only dog there, I can generally get anyone to bake me dog treats whenever I want.

But I’m definitely making Dorothy get the Treat Maker Kit for us in Kansas 

Thanks for the question!

Ask Toto A Question runs twice a month until the questions run out.  Don't let that happen!  Send Toto your queries at thedogtoto@yahoo.com

Ask Toto #35

Dear Toto,

Is there ever a reason you would WANT to go to Oz?

 -- ABB from Kissimmee

Hi ABB!  

Are you related to ABBA?  Dorothy likes to dance around to Take A Chance On Me, though I don't understand the video at all.  Shouldn't they be happier?  And what's wrong with the lens, it's foggy a lot of the time!

But!  That's not what you asked, you asked if there's ever a reason I'd WANT to go to Oz.  You are so perceptive, you totally understand that I HATE OZ.  HATE IT HATE IT  HATE IT!

And people don't understand.  They're all "Hey, Toto, Oz is great.  Oz is cool!  Everyone else likes Oz, why don't you?"

Here's my top three reasons why Toto Hates Oz:

#3 Winged Monkeys.  Look, I haven't spent a lot of time in jungles, and even I know that MONKEYS AREN'T SUPPOSED TO FLY!  The fact that they do so in Oz FREAKS ME OUT

#2 Too Much Color.  Munchkins are blue, Winkies are yellow, Quadlings are red, Gilikins are purple and the Emerald City is green.  I know everyone thinks that dogs are color blind, but I'm here to tell you that I see ALL the colors in Oz and it hurts my head to take it all in!  Imagine a technicolor rainbow spiral drilled into your eyes 24/7.  That's what it's like to be a dog in Oz. (and technically, there aren't any dogs in Oz, just me, when Dorothy forces me to go.  Nobody understands my pain.)

#1  Magic.  There's magic everywhere in Oz!  And people think it's awesome, look at all the fun stuff you can do with it.  But I don't trust it!  And it gets people into trouble all the time!  Sure, Ozma and Glinda can do nifty stuff, but they're professionals.  And they're not infallible.  Ozma got turned into a gold peach pit because of magic.  Just be normal, people.  I know it's hard to do since you're in Oz and everything, but still.

But!  ABB, you asked if there ever was a reason I'd want to go to Oz!  And the answer is pretty simple - if Dorothy wants to go, I'll go.  Because I love her dearly, and I'll go where she goes.  I may not like it a whole lot, but I'll do it for her.

Thanks for the question!

Ask Toto A Question runs twice a month until the questions run out.  Don't let that happen!  Send Toto your queries at thedogtoto@yahoo.com

Ask Toto #34

Dear Toto,

How old are you?

- Mandy from Kissimmee, FL.

Hi Mandy!

What a great question, because not a lot of people know this about me.

I am technically five years old in human years, 35 years old in dog years, BUT GET THIS!

One of the super super secret things that Ozma from Oz did for me and Dorothy is that we… never… grow… old.

WE NEVER GROW OLD.

Because Ozma figured that we needed to stay the same age to make sure children all over the world, and the new children that are born every day and haven’t heard our story yet, will always be able to experience us in our youth!

So once a year, we go to Oz.  People in Oz never grow old, did you know that?  Totally true.  And we eat just enough food and drink there to where we’ll stay the same age for another year when we get back to the real world.

So I am forever FIVE!!!!  It’s an awesome age to forever be, I can tell you that much.

Thanks for the question!

Ask Toto A Question runs twice a month until the questions run out.  Don't let that happen!  Send Toto your queries at thedogtoto@yahoo.com