Toto Review - Puss In Boots

So Dorothy wanted to watch Puss In Boots the other day on DVD.  She had missed it when it came to the theaters, but really, it was my super power mind control, causing her to forget it was IN theaters.  I'm pretty sneaky like that.

But when Dorothy gets an idea, it's kinda hard to stop her.  Plus she said if I was extra good during the movie, that she'd sneak me extra bacon for breakfast, and you guys KNOW I'm a sucker for bacon.

So we watched the movie, and Dorothy suggested if I wrote a review, there might be peanut butter and bacon in my future.  Well, you don't have to tell ME twice.

So here we go!

Puss in Boots is a swashbuckling cat who’s tracking down Jack in The Beanstalk’s Magic Beans.  Kitty Softpaws and Humpty Dumpty are looking for the same thing, and they all decide to team up and get the beans together.  Then there’s a lot of stuff about personal honor and revenge and how some eggs just can’t let things GO.  And a bunch of action sequences, villains in the form of Jack and Jill and one GIANT golden goose.  But in the end, Puss saves his hometown, restores his honor, Humpty Dumpty turns into good golden egg, and there’s a celebration dance done to Lady Gaga’s “Americano.”

So what are my thoughts? Could I like Puss In Boots, when I generally don’t like cats?

Well, I can certainly identify with people not taking Puss seriously in the beginning scenes of the movie.  No one takes ME seriously, all because I can’t talk.  But I can TYPE.  Doesn’t that make me pretty awesome?

No telling if Puss can type, but I also totally identify with his suave and smooth ways, though I carry all mine on the inside.  Puss In Boots is pretty much an extrovert in that way, whereas I like to be more guarded, more subtle, keep your opponent guessing, that kind of thing.  Puss is all about exterior bravado.  I’m all about interior confidence.  Totally in keeping with most cats that I run over.  I MEAN ACROSS!  (that was totally a joke, you know that, right?)

BUT!  I cannot condone his promiscuous ways!  Though Puss does indeed end up with the lovely Kitty Softpaws, there are plenty of hints in the beginning of the movie that Puss is a love ‘em and leave ‘em kind of cat.  THAT’S SO NOT COOL!  I am a One Woman kind of dog, and I can’t help but think that Puss could have saved himself a lot of trouble had he just adopted the same kind of mantra as me.

As for the movie itself, it’s certainly a fun enough ride, with plenty of action to keep anybody entertained.  I do question whether The Great Terror was truly imaginative enough, but I give the movie total props for the “You Snap ME!?” sequence.  Here:

I’m gonna have an awesome time terrorizing the cat that keeps slinking around Uncle Henry’s farm with it.  I sure am.

Okay, Dorothy!  Ready for my bacon and peanut butter bonus now! :)

Ask Toto #42

Dear Toto,

Why do dogs bury their bones?

Backyard is dirty in Ohio

Hi Backyard!

So, yes this seems weird at first.  A large succulent bone, and what do we do, we bury it in a hole and paw dirt back over it.  Why would you do that to that delectable bone, right?

Dogs bury bones because it's ingrained in our DNA.  Back when we were pack dogs running wild and human were still Cro-Magnons, and dinosaurs were running around (okay, maybe not THAT far back), 

dogs were never sure where their next meal would be coming from.  So in order to protect the food we had currently, we'd pick a spot and then bury it.  We’d always be able to find it because we’ve got Super Sniffer Noses and a keen sense of direction.

And yes, when we dig up the bone, it’s got dirt on it.  But you know, dirt is highly underrated as a seasoning.  Dogs don’t mind dirt. We get it on our paws all the time you know.

So yes, it may seem weird, but then again consider what humans do with the stuff they consider valuable?

Money - put it in a bank. A separate institution run by people they don't know

Jewelry - put it in a vault and only bring it out on special occasions.

People – put them in a house with a security system that their pets sometimes set off (we’re SORRY!  Honest!)

So really, we’re all kinda weird about the stuff we like, no?

Thanks for the question!

Ask Toto A Question runs twice a month until the questions run out.  Don't let that happen!  Send Toto your queries at thedogtoto@yahoo.com

Ask Toto #41

Dear Toto,

When my dog is sleeping, she woofs and twitches in her sleep, like she’s dreaming.  What do dogs dream about?  What did you dream about last night?

-       Curious and Dreaming

Hi Curious!  Great question!

Absolutely, dogs dream.  Can’t you tell by watching us?

We’re not exercising in our sleep, you know.  That’s what daytime hours are about.

But you ask any smartypants doctor, he will explain that yes, dogs experience the same type of REM sleep that humans do when they’re dreaming.  It’s just that most dogs can’t tell you that they dreamed or what they dreamed, because most dogs can’t talk.

BUT I CAN!

Most of the time, I dream pretty normal stuff.  You know, the usual.  Chasing rabbits, chasing the cows, chasing the chickens and the pigs and the horses. 

On the few occasions I find myself in Oz with Dorothy, WOO BUDDY! Those dreams are like Technicolor nightmares, filled with Nome Kings, rolling eggs, lavender bears, vengeful cinnamon buns, and all sorts of things.  Which is why I prefer to spend as little time in Oz as possible. 

But last night, I had a pretty good dream.  Dorothy had taken me to the lake, and we were on a sailboat.  I sniffed at the fish in the water, and stood at the bow of the ship and pretended I was captain as Dorothy steered us around.

Then when we docked, a giant army of evil cats showed up!  I grew ten feet tall and battled the cats to protect Dorothy.  I chased all the evil cats into the water where the fish ate them.  And Dorothy and I were safe again.

Those are the best kind of dreams for me.  Not the cat part, though I shed no tears over cats.  But the parts where it’s me and Dorothy together forever, those are the dreams I like the best.  Because they’re the ones that are the closest to reality.

Thanks for the question!

Ask Toto A Question runs twice a month until the questions run out.  Don't let that happen!  Send Toto your queries at thedogtoto@yahoo.com

Ask Toto #40

Dear Toto, 

Why don't dogs like squirrels?  Every dog I know has lunged after a squirrel they see on their walks.  What gives?

- Aren’t Squirrels Okay?

No, squirrels are NOT okay.  Not by a long shot. 

I get it, I mean, look at ‘em.  They look cute with the big eyes and the tiny paws holding a nut, and the bushy bushy tail.

But what humans don’t know (and dogs do) is that there is an evil underground squirrel conspiracy.

YES!  The squirrels have a vast underground network.  Literally.  It’s underground.  And it is here, in the miles and miles of caves just underneath our feet that they are plotting and planning to take over the world.

YES!  Because do you know what squirrels want more than anything else in the world?

(No, it’s not more nuts.  They can get those anytime they want.)

SQUIRRELS WANT TO LIVE INDOORS!

Think about it!  Do you ever see a squirrel indoors?  No!  Why?  Because they’re not allowed! 
And you know what happens when you’re not allowed something?  YOU GATHER YOUR SQUIRREL COMRADES TOGETHER AND PLOT TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

Squirrels want to live indoors.  They want to sleep in a bed, cook in kitchens, take baths in bathtubs, and sit on couches and watch Kitchen Nightmares. 

And how gross would that be, amiright?

So when a human sees a squirrel dashing across a lawn, it’s not that the squirrel is trying to get food and scurry back up a tree, it’s that they’re trying to delivery important communiqués to other squirrel squadrons.  And it’s up to us dogs to disrupt that information chain as best we can.

Which is why we bark at them.  Lunge at them.  Growl at them.  Hate them with a passion.

So don’t scold us when we lunge at a squirrel on our walks.  Because we’re just trying to protect the human race is all.  no big deal. :)

Thanks for the question!

Ask Toto A Question runs twice a month until the questions run out.  Don't let that happen!  Send Toto your queries at thedogtoto@yahoo.com

So let's Talk About This Accessories and Groomers thing.

So let’s talk about The Groomers Wanting To Put Things In Your Fur Phenomenon.

First of all… why? 

What is it with people, okay, let’s be fair here, what is it with Groomers wanting to tie bows in your ears, or handkerchiefs around your neck, or whatever after they’re done washing and blow drying you?

What is WITH this phenomenon?  Seriously, you’re gonna have to help me because I’m a dog and I don’t understand it.

I have been doing a lot of heavy thinking about the subject, and I think I’ve got it narrowed down to a few options:

#1 – The event of washing and drying a dog at the groomers is so traumatic, they think dressing us up will make us forget the previous horror.

#2 – They think we look cute in them.

#3 – They think we look stupid in them and they’re secretly laughing as our owners take us out the door.

#4 – They’re bored.

#5 – They’re bored and the accessories are right there, and better on a dog than a human?

#6 – The kerchief keeps us cool. (it doesn't)

#7 – The kerchief makes us LOOK cool. (not really)

#8 – The kerchief is a secret code for an underground turf war known only to rival groomers across the city, i.e. THIS DOG IS MINE!  YOU CAN’T HAVE ‘EM!  MINE MINE MINE!

Regardless, I can tell you, from personal experience, that regardless of your groomer’s intentions, YOUR DOG DOES NOT WANT A BOW IN ITS EARS, OR A KERCHIEF AROUND ITS NECK!

I mean, really.  We kinda hate it.  We kinda hate it a lot.  It doesn’t matter how cute you think we look, cutting those things out of here is an absolute witch of a situation.

So next time you take your little wagalong to the groomer’s simply opt out of the Accessories After The Bath option.  Your dog will thank you for it.  Trust me.

Ask Toto #39

Dear Toto:

So Seriously.  Dogs chasing their tail.  What's the deal?

Confused on East Coast

Hi there, East Coast!

Why do dogs chase their tails.  Okay, remember when you were a kid and you would spin around and collapse to the floor in a giggling heap?  I mean, that’s what Dorothy would do a lot of the time, she said getting dizzy was fun.  Uncle Henry would sometimes get dizzy after a few drinks, but he wouldn’t spin so much as kinda stagger around the barn for awhile.

ANYWAY.

I’m guessing it’s the same sensation.  Dogs spin around because it’s dizzy and freeing and fun! 

And let’s talk about the tail.  THE TAIL!  Have you ever chomped down on your toes?  It’s hard to do as an adult, but babies seem to be perfectly able to stick their feet in their mouths.

And that’s fun, too, to lightly nibble on something that’s attached to you.  So add that, plus Dizzy Is Fun, and you’ve got the answer to your spinning dog.

But now that has me thinking, tell me, why do humans pick their nose?

Thanks for the question!

Ask Toto A Question runs twice a month until the questions run out.  Don't let that happen!  Send Toto your queries at thedogtoto@yahoo.com

So let's talk about this Easter Bunny thing.

Hey everybody!

So Easter is coming up, and I gotta tell you, dogs do NOT understand Easter at all.  Not one bit.

First of all, everyone knows that bunnies don't lay eggs.  THEY DON'T!  CHICKENS LAY EGGS!

So why it isn't the Easter Chicken clucking around on Easter morning is beyond me.  I mean, sometimes, you'll see an Easter chick, but the Bunny clearly outnumber them.  Certainly, chicks are represented enough in the form of Peeps, right?  

But then you got these guys - Bunny Peeps!  Bunnies come along and mess everything up and it's just... why.

Secondly, what's the single biggest thing that the Easter Bunny leaves for the kids?

CHOCOLATE!    Chocolate eggs, chocolate peanut butter cups, chocolate malted milk balls, Cadburry chocolate eggs.  

They even have a chocolate flavor Bunny Peep, though that simply does NOT make sense to me.

Even worse, a staple of Dorothy's Easter basket is the CHOCOLATE BUNNY.  

CHOCOLATE IS DEATH TO DOGS!  

People know this, right?  That chocolate is incredibly bad for dogs?  Because it has theobromine, a stimulant found in the cocoa plant.  Humans can process theobromine easily, but dogs can't.  

So bunnies pretending to be chickens with the egg-laying thing in addition to leaving deadly poisonous gifts to dogs, including a chocolate Easter Bunny which is basically encouraging self-cannibalization = EVIL EASTER BUNNY.

So the chickens and dogs of the world need to band together to fight off this evil evil mess.

Trying to lead the charge, I proposed an alliance of sorts with me and the chickens in Auntie Em's chicken coop - let's take down this rabbit together and save some lives!  whattdya say!?

And the chickens wanted nothing to do with me.  Oh, I tried.  I tried REALLY hard, I pointed out all the benefits to the chickens if we got rid of the Easter Bunny - nobody stealing or taking credit for your eggs, no death to dogs like me.

But chickens are... well... they're kinda dumb.  I can't speak chicken!  I can't even speak human, and I CERTAINLY cannot speak Bunny!

So I guess I'm gonna have to take down this Weirdo Easter Bunny myself this Sunday.  I'm gonna stay up all night, I'm gonna catch that sucker, and I'm gonna scare it far far away before it can cause any real damage to me, Dorothy or the chickens.

Stay tuned...