The Secret About Tummy Rubs

So I'm gonna do you all a favor and clue everyone in on a secret - The Secret About Tummy Rubs.

It is totally true that all dogs love a good tummy rub.  Every dog's Achilles' Heel is a tummy rub, have no doubt.  Cats don't dig it in the same way and that's because Evil hates feeling Good. Obviously.

But what's the flip side of a tummy rub?

A BACK SCRATCH.

So when you see your lovable pooch twisting and turning on their back, or a half moon stretch on the carpet and it looks like they're just DYING for a tummy rub?  They probably are, and by all means, please move over there and relieve that tummy rub ache ASAP.

But!  They're probably also scratching their back.

it's the best of both worlds.  You rub their tummy, and they scratch their back.

Do it for your poochie!  Do it because you love them!  TummyRubs and BackScratches 24/7!!!! Yaaaaaaaaaaaay!

This has been a public service announcement from your dog.  If they could talk.  I'm speaking for us all. :)

Toto Review - Muppets Most Wanted

So it was time for another trip to the movie theater with Dorothy.  She smuggles me in her basket, I sit on her lap and promise to be good or else I don't get any popcorn.  This particular trip was more than a little taxing, since there were plenty of misbehaving kids running around like hooligans throughout the theater.  Do you have any idea how HARD it is to stay still on Dorothy's lap when there are mini-monsters climbing over seats, and throwing nachos in the air, and reaching out, trying to pet me with their grubby grubby paws?  CONTROL YOUR CHILDREN IF YOU TAKE THEM TO THE MOVIE THEATER, PEOPLE!  That's what I wanted to say.  But I didn't, because people don't understand a talking dog, but... MOVING ON.

HOW WAS THE MOVIE!?

Muppets Most Wanted is the story about how the Muppets meet up with a shady concert promoter, played by Ricky Gervaise, to go tour Europe with the Muppet Show.  What they don't realize is that Ricky Gervaise is partnered with Constantine, the World's Most Dangerous Frog, who happens to look a lot like Kermit.  So Kermit is shanghaied by Ricky and Constantine, and is trapped in a Russian gulag with a Russian warden played by Tina Fey, while Constantine and Ricky Gervaise conspire to use the Muppet Show tour as a ruse to steal stuff from various museums all in a bid to eventually steal the crown jewels of London.

That's essentially the plot, but since it's a movie with Muppets, the plot is pretty much an excuse to string as many gags and funny songs together as possible.  You could make a pretty good argument about how this entry into Muppetland is missing some of its spark, which is what happens when you separate Kermit from his gang.  Don't get me wrong, this movie is packed full of jokes, celebrity cameos (blink and you'll miss truly hilarious turns by Tom Hiddleston, Josh Groban, and Lady Gaga, among others.) Muppet cameos (my favorites included the yellow Hugga Wugga "You Are My Sunshine" Muppet, and a pivotal plot point by Bobby Benson and his Baby Band) and very funny songs.

But for me, it's all about the DOGS!  THE DOGS, PEOPLE!  TALK TO ME ABOUT THE DOGS!

Okay, well, I love Rowlf, for obvious reasons.  It feels like Rowlf gets no love from modern day Muppet audiences, which is unfair.  Rowlf was actually one of the original Muppets, making his first appearance even before the Muppet Show ever came into existence, as a guest star on The Jimmy Dean Show in 1963.

I love Rowlf because he's somewhat the voice of reason, if anyone would ever ask him.  You look at him and you know - the dog has seen a lot. But he's content to stay in the ensemble and inwardly chuckle at the chaos going on.

But sadly, Rowlf is not in this movie much.  Whoever's in charge over at Muppet headquarters continues to insist on pushing that dumb nobody Muppet Walter front and center.  

Nobody likes Walter, okay?  NOBODY LIKES WALTER THE MUPPET.  Look at that line up over on the left.  Don't your eyes kind of twitch and think there's a blank space in the middle? Get Walter out of the movie, and give the screen time back to Rowlf and Fozzie.

Having said that, I was pleased to see Miss Piggy's dog Foo Foo back at her side.  That dog can do a lot with a simple ear twitch.  Or two.  Or simultaneous ear twitching.  That's really tough to do, people.

In short, Muppets Most Wanted is fun for the fans, and pleasant enough for friends of the fans.  And if you're a dog, you'll have a good time too.

Ask Toto #52

Dear Toto:

My owner takes me walking in parks a lot, and I love every single second of it.  But I notice that we run into quite a few dogs who aren't on a leash.  I don't know how I feel about this, I'm very conflicted.  Part of me wishes I could be free like them, but then part of me wishes they would play by the rules.  Any thoughts?

- Conflicted In Griffith Park.

Hi Conflicted!

Boy, I hear you on that for sure.  it's the classic The Rules Don't Apply To Me conundrum.  Humans love the idea of them and their dog romping around the trails on hikes, and they don't necessarily realize that just because their dog is well behaved off leash doesn't mean other dogs are.  Most owners who know their dogs are gonna get snappy keep them on a leash, but then here comes a dog off leash and suddenly you have a nightmare.  A nightmare you wouldn't have if everyone simply followed the rules.

Not to mention the fact that if you let your dog off leash in Griffith Park (or any park, for that matter) then you run the risk of encountering not very nice park critters like snakes or coyotes or stuff.  It may feel like your owner is encroaching on your sense of freedom by having you on leash, but they're really keeping you safe.

As to the rule breakers, you can console yourself by knowing they're most likely coming home with dirt, burrs, and fleas all over them.

thanks for the question!

Ask Toto A Question runs twice a month until the questions run out.  Don't let that happen!  Send Toto your queries at thedogtoto@yahoo.com

Ask Toto #51

Dear Toto,

I've always been curious, why do dogs sleep at the foot of the bed, instead of by their owner's heads?

- Someone's Breathing On My Tootsies

Hi Tootsies!

Well, it helps if you think about it from the dog's perspective.  Where is the dog during the day?  On the ground.  What does he comes into contact with the most of the ground?  The carpet, a lot of furniture legs, a lot of dust bunnies, that infernal cat who keeps hanging around and YOUR FEET.  Your shoes, your feet, your calluses, your cute little tootsies!  Your dog is probably more familiar with your feet than your face.  Your dog is probably more familiar with your feet than you are.

Yes, you will hear all sorts of experts talk about Alpha dog behavior, and your dog is looking to you to exert dominance to instruct the dog to specifically be at the foot of the bed, and no pillows for you and blah blah blah.

But so when it's nighty night, and time to snuggle down, your dog is gonna wanna be down by what he knows.  Which are your toes!

And if you've got one of those dogs that love to go under the sheets and you're worried they're gonna smother themselves, don't be.  Your dog is not THAT dumb, and they'll go seek fresh air when they need it.  

thanks for the question!

Ask Toto A Question runs twice a month until the questions run out.  Don't let that happen!  Send Toto your queries at thedogtoto@yahoo.com

Let's Talk About Valentine's Day

So!

Valentine's Day approacheth! And since chocolate is bad bad bad for dogs, you may be wondering what some great last minute ideas are for your pet to give to you on Valentine's Day.  Here's a few suggestions:

FLOWERS.  Flowers are awesome.  They smell pretty, they bring smiles to Dorothy's face, and they don't kill me if I try to eat them.  Which I don't.  Because I don't know if you know this, but roses taste pretty terrible.

CANDLES - Candles are also awesome.  They might be more awesome than flowers because while there's no point in trying to eat them, they can SMELL like food.  Like Vanilla or Cinnamon or Pumpkin Pie or something.  So you can SMELL food, but it's NOT food.  Which is confusing, but remember, Valentine's Day is not about you, it's about Dorothy, or whoever your owner is.

POETRY - Nothing says "I love you" more than saying "I love you." but in different words, like your own.  I happen to be fond of a smartly worded haiku myself.  For instance:

I love you so much

And if you love me so much

Get rid of the cat

And a little reminder, humans.  No matter how much you might want to dress your dog up in some Valentine's Day ensemble.  Don't do it.  

DON'T DRESS YOUR DOG UP!  WE DON'T LIKE IT!  HONESTLY, WE DON'T!  

THERE IS A REASON THIS DOG DOES NOT LOOK HAPPY!  IF YOU LOVE YOUR DOG, PLEASE DON'T PUT CLOTHES ON THEM!

Thanks, and have a great Valentine's Day :)

Let's Talk About Squeaky Toys

So! We're past Christmas, and I bet some of you well intentioned humans got your dogs squeaky toys for Christmas. Maybe it was an impulse buy at the PetCo, next to the doggie treats that are supposed to make your dog's breath smell great (sucker, those don't work).

Sure, you think it's good exercise. Or it gives you the break you need so you can make dinner or watch Jon Stewart or go through the mail or something. Perhaps you think it's adorable to give the furry squirrel with a squeaker inside of it to your dog and watch him go bananas.

Here's the thing, though. I gotta tell you, honestly, those Squeaky Toys? They drive dogs insane. And not in a good way.

Imagine this – a can of savory candied cashews. Or a plate of delicious strawberries, covered with a plastic lid. A take out bag of yummy drool-worthy tacos? Whatever it is that makes your taste buds tingle. Can you see it? It's right in front of you. You can even smell it.

Now imagine you can't get it open.

No matter how hard you hammer the can or work at that plastic lid, or batter that bag, you cannot get it open. You can see it, you can smell it, you are SO CLOSE to eating it, but you can't get it open.

That's what's it like for dogs and squeaky toys.

We can't leave it alone. WE HAVE TO GET THE SQUEAKER OUT! We HAVE to, I'm telling you. We have rip that stuffed animal apart, chomp that squeaker inside, and trail stuff and fluff all over the floor. Don't you understand what happens if we leave that squeaker inside the stuffed chipmunk? IT WILL CONTINUE TO SQUEAK THE NEXT TIME WE PLAY WITH IT! THE SQUEAKER DOES NOT ABIDE! IT DOES NOT, IT DOES NOT, IT DOES NOT!

It's madness. Pure madness. The squeaker, taunting us, like a deranged whistle pounding at our eardrums. We're talking real OCD doggie behavior. We can't think, we can't go on a walk, we can't eat... okay, yes, we can. But it's not as much fun to eat, knowing that squeaker in that stuffed fox is STILL THERE.

Yes, it is fun for dogs. But fun in like the most grimly determined of ways. Fun like going to an all you can eat buffet. Where you know you're overeating, but you HAVE to try everything on the buffet because it's there, and it's all you can eat, and you are going to sample every last dessert in the dessert section!

So you can buy your dog a squeaky toy. But take pity, and also buy that cut of filet mignon (real meat, not the squeaky toy version.) Because your dog is gonna EARN that sucker, oh yes, he is.

Ask Toto #50

Dear Toto,

Do you have any New Year’s Resolutions?

Compulsive List Maker

Hi Compulsive!

My resolution is the same every year.  It’s the same every year because I break it every year.  And that resolution is…

I promise to be nice to the cat.

It’s a resolution that Dorothy wants me to make, and I want to make her happy, really I do.  But it’s SO DARN HARD!

I promise to be nice to the cat.

You ever notice how the cat doesn’t make any resolutions at all?  I promise not to bother Toto.  That would be a GREAT resolution for the cat, and the cat doesn’t do bupkiss.  Just slinks around, so hoity toity and sneering at me and twitching its tail and thinking its so great and then I just have to BARK BARK BARK and chase it all over the house and hopefully into the water trough outside because I promise you, a wet cat is an awesome sight to see.

I promise to be nice to the cat.

Does it have to be “nice”?  Can it be “civil”?  “Polite”?  “Steadfastly ignoring you until you upset me”?

I am a dog.  I will try my best.  But don’t blame me if I break the resolution… oh, about two days ago.

Thanks for the question!

Ask Toto A Question runs twice a month until the questions run out.  Don't let that happen!  Send Toto your queries at thedogtoto@yahoo.com