Let's Talk About Squeaky Toys

So! We're past Christmas, and I bet some of you well intentioned humans got your dogs squeaky toys for Christmas. Maybe it was an impulse buy at the PetCo, next to the doggie treats that are supposed to make your dog's breath smell great (sucker, those don't work).

Sure, you think it's good exercise. Or it gives you the break you need so you can make dinner or watch Jon Stewart or go through the mail or something. Perhaps you think it's adorable to give the furry squirrel with a squeaker inside of it to your dog and watch him go bananas.

Here's the thing, though. I gotta tell you, honestly, those Squeaky Toys? They drive dogs insane. And not in a good way.

Imagine this – a can of savory candied cashews. Or a plate of delicious strawberries, covered with a plastic lid. A take out bag of yummy drool-worthy tacos? Whatever it is that makes your taste buds tingle. Can you see it? It's right in front of you. You can even smell it.

Now imagine you can't get it open.

No matter how hard you hammer the can or work at that plastic lid, or batter that bag, you cannot get it open. You can see it, you can smell it, you are SO CLOSE to eating it, but you can't get it open.

That's what's it like for dogs and squeaky toys.

We can't leave it alone. WE HAVE TO GET THE SQUEAKER OUT! We HAVE to, I'm telling you. We have rip that stuffed animal apart, chomp that squeaker inside, and trail stuff and fluff all over the floor. Don't you understand what happens if we leave that squeaker inside the stuffed chipmunk? IT WILL CONTINUE TO SQUEAK THE NEXT TIME WE PLAY WITH IT! THE SQUEAKER DOES NOT ABIDE! IT DOES NOT, IT DOES NOT, IT DOES NOT!

It's madness. Pure madness. The squeaker, taunting us, like a deranged whistle pounding at our eardrums. We're talking real OCD doggie behavior. We can't think, we can't go on a walk, we can't eat... okay, yes, we can. But it's not as much fun to eat, knowing that squeaker in that stuffed fox is STILL THERE.

Yes, it is fun for dogs. But fun in like the most grimly determined of ways. Fun like going to an all you can eat buffet. Where you know you're overeating, but you HAVE to try everything on the buffet because it's there, and it's all you can eat, and you are going to sample every last dessert in the dessert section!

So you can buy your dog a squeaky toy. But take pity, and also buy that cut of filet mignon (real meat, not the squeaky toy version.) Because your dog is gonna EARN that sucker, oh yes, he is.

Ask Toto #50

Dear Toto,

Do you have any New Year’s Resolutions?

Compulsive List Maker

Hi Compulsive!

My resolution is the same every year.  It’s the same every year because I break it every year.  And that resolution is…

I promise to be nice to the cat.

It’s a resolution that Dorothy wants me to make, and I want to make her happy, really I do.  But it’s SO DARN HARD!

I promise to be nice to the cat.

You ever notice how the cat doesn’t make any resolutions at all?  I promise not to bother Toto.  That would be a GREAT resolution for the cat, and the cat doesn’t do bupkiss.  Just slinks around, so hoity toity and sneering at me and twitching its tail and thinking its so great and then I just have to BARK BARK BARK and chase it all over the house and hopefully into the water trough outside because I promise you, a wet cat is an awesome sight to see.

I promise to be nice to the cat.

Does it have to be “nice”?  Can it be “civil”?  “Polite”?  “Steadfastly ignoring you until you upset me”?

I am a dog.  I will try my best.  But don’t blame me if I break the resolution… oh, about two days ago.

Thanks for the question!

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Let's Talk About Christmas Time

So!  Christmas is coming!  Christmas is coming!  And I know Christmas is coming because there’s a Christmas tree in the living room, and there’s colored lights all over the place and Auntie Em is using nutmeg and cinnamon a lot more than she usually does, and there’s peppermint sticks that Dorothy won’t let me have, and she’s put a red and green bow on my collar.  So that usually means it’s Christmas time, or I’m having a really vivid dream.

I remember the first time Dorothy told me about Santa Claus and what he does.  And of course my first instinct is, WHAT!?  NO WAY!  HE’S AN INTRUDER!  WHY ARE WE LEAVING OUT MILK AND COOKIES FOR A GUY WHO ENTERS OUR HOUSE VIA A CHIMNEY!

But then Dorothy promised me that Santa was actually a good person, and to prove it, he left me a few dog treats on Christmas morning.  So then Santa Claus became, like, my best friend ever.

Though there’s a part of me that does sigh at Christmas.  Because they put out some strange Christmas merchandise featuring Dorothy and friends, and sometimes me.  And quite frankly, I come out looking kinda weird on these things.

Like this, from http://www.retroplanet.com/PROD/39730. 

That doesn’t look a THING like my woman!  And I, I, I, well, I look like a grey CAT!

Hallmark Ornaments did an ornament on us back in 1994: - http://www.hookedonhallmark.com/1994-Dorothy-and-Toto_p_3340.html 

I don’t even look like I’m real you’re an ornament.  I know that!  But I look like a stuffed dog here.

And while I can understand why this is amusing on first glance, the fact of the matter is, it’s kinda CREEPY to put dead witch’s legs and feet on your mantleplace.

(and since this item has been discontinued, I have to imagine that a lot of people agree with me.)

But!  Should you wonder what you should be getting your dog for Christmas (Pssst!  Dorothy!  Pay attention here!)  Wonder no more.  It’s this…

DOG TREATS!  DOG TREATS!  LOTS AND LOTS OF DOG TREATS!

Treat your dog!  It’s Christmas!  Buy your pup something fun and different for a change!

Happy Holidays, everyone!  :)

Ask Toto #49

Dear Toto,

What do you and Dorothy usually do for Thanksgiving?

Scrutinizing The Stuffing

Hi Scrut!

Well, the very very very first thing that Dorothy and I do is get up before the roosters, so we can claim our seat in front of the TV and watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade.  Our favorite float is the winking, blinking turkey one. What can I say, we’re traditionalists.

Then, Auntie Em cooks up a ginormous Thanksgiving dinner that you would not believe.  She cooks a veritable ocean of food, because she’s feeding herself, Uncle Henry, Dorothy, me, and all the farm hands.  It’s something like 20 people or so. No cats allowed.

But there’s turkey, and cornbread stuffing, and homemade cranberry sauce (nothing from a can, no thank you!), green bean casserole, roasted asparagus, rolls and butter and pumpkin pie! It’s amazing!  It’s awesome, and it’s…

Hey!  What is that CAT doing in the picture!  Shoo, cat! I said no cats allowed! I am not thankful for you this Thanksgiving!  Go be thankful in your litter box!  Sheesh.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone else!  Thanks for the question!

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Ask Toto #48

Dear Toto,

Everything was fine in my life.  I loved my owners, they loved me, I had the run of the place, kibble all to myself, all squeaky toys and stuffed animals were mine to destroy…

And then he showed up.  The other one.  They say he’s my “brother” but not only are we not related, I lived here a good year before he got here.  He’s not my brother.  And I don’t understand this whole concept of “sharing.” Any advice?

Don’t Play Well With New Brothers In Los Angeles:

Hi Don’t Play Well!

Wow, sharing is awful, isn’t it?  Especially when you think life is about you and only you as the only dog in the house.

While I’ve never had to deal with new siblings of my own, there is that blasted cat that keeps hanging around the house that I hate a lot.  Dorothy refuses to get rid of it, and thus, I’ve had to learn how to live life with a foreign entity in the middle of it.  So believe it or not, there’s a few pros to having another Four Footer running around:

1. There’s someone to blame things on.

Did you accidentally knock over a flower pot? Spill the water bowl? Track in mud?  Bingo, your brother is now the one you point the paw at: I didn’t do it!  It wasn’t me!  It was him!  Because you’re older, wiser, you know how things work around here.  Newbie Dog doesn’t.  Blame away, and keep working it until he wises up, or grows bigger than you.

2. Ambition Is Good.

This sounds paradoxical, but it’s true.  If you didn’t have someone to focus your anger on, to have a goal, an enemy to vanquish, you might become fat, lazy, complacent.  Nobody likes a complacent pup.  Everyone loves a pup who is active, happy, cheerful. Constantly testing your mettle keeps you sharp.  To sum up – it’s better to be fit and actively plotting the downfall of Newbie Brother than to be fat and lazy and sleeping on the porch.  That description actually sounds a LOT like that cat.  Nobody wants to be the cat.

3. The enemy of my enemy is my friend.

So I hate the cat.  But so does the horse.  You know what that makes the horse?  My new best friend.  The horse is no longer the one that could possibly kill me by trampling me under his hooves if I happen to get near his corral.  The horse is now my Right Hand Man, and together we plot on how to nudge the cat off the fence onto the water trough, or how to pick apples off the tree and then spit ‘em at the cat.  That’s a TON of fun.

And maybe you don’t have a horse, but I bet you have a mailman.  Or a gardener.  Or a pool guy.  Those are your new best friends in figuring out how to dunk New Pup in the pool, or to “accidentally” leave a pile of poison ivy leaves around.  At the very least, someone could leave the gate ajar, and new pup bounds out to freedom and out of your life for good…

Okay, okay, okay, Dorothy just showed up, read what I wrote and was completely horrified, and says I gotta take it back.  I can’t take it back, I don’t know how to use the delete button, but I will say… that sometimes… 

It is kinda fun to play tug of war with a stuffed snake.  It is kinda fun to see who can run the fastest around the farm.  And it’s kinda fun to have someone around who has fur like you, and understands the pain and suffering of flea season.

So it’s not all bad to have a new brother. It’s all in how you play it.

Thanks for the question!

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Let’s Talk About Appropriate Halloween Attire

So Halloween is coming around again, like it does every year, and this year, I would like to take a moment to talk about appropriate costumes to wear. 

I know there’s some of you out there who just LOVE to dress your dogs up in silly outfits for Halloween.  Like this:

 And you know, I’m not really a fan of those outfits, but then again, to each their own, or more like to each dog their own costume burden to bear.  Just remember to take a good long look at your dog in that outfit.  

Does your dog look sad?  Uncomfy?  Giving you the glare of death?  If so, GET THAT COSTUME OFF OF HIM PRONTO! 

But beyond that, let’s talk about Appropriate Halloween Attire for Adults.  I know humans like to dress up in some pretty wacky/wild/weird stuff.  I don’t why you go to such weird lengths for candy, but again, to each their own inner Closet Of Make Believe Stuff.

BUT!  Can we PLEASE call a moratorium (Yeah, I said moratorium. Yeah, I know what that word is) on this whole genre of Sexy Nurse/Witch/Pirate/Doll/Whatever costume? Why are you humans dressing like that?  Isn’t the point of Halloween to get candy and have fun?  Do you really think you need to dress like that to get candy?  Because you don’t, you know.

You can dress like a ghost with two eyeholes, knock on a door, and they’ll give you candy. That’s how it works on Halloween. You put on a (reasonable) costume, you knock on a door that has the lights on, they open the door, they give you candy.

You don’t have to wear something like this. Because, at the very least, AREN’T YOU COLD!?

And definitely, definitely, definitely don’t wear something like this.  This is war.  Dorothy is a young girl from the farm! You are shaming my woman’s honor, and I WON’T STAND FOR IT.

(Not to mention, that dog looks NOTHING like me. And that's Paris Hilton. Who's got major problems anyway.)

If you wear something like this on Halloween, you are essentially the lowest of the low.  You are degrading a cherished memory of childhood. There is something wrong with you.  You wanna be pretty?  You wanna be sexy? Go for it by being a mature responsible fun confident person who loves CANDY.

 

But if I see you in this on Halloween night, I am absolutely biting your ankle and peeing on your leg. Which I will have easy access to, since if you’re wearing this, not much is on your leg to stop me.

Ask Toto #47

Dear Toto,

What are your biggest goals and dreams?

- dreaming in Montana

Hello Montana!  Well, what an interesting question!  I break them out into two things - big and small.  Goals are smaller, achievable here on earth, in a reasonable amount of time.  Dreams are bigger, like the dog version of when people win the lottery.

So!  My biggest goal is to get rid of the cat that runs around here on the farm.  I'm sorry, but he's just evil.  Sure, his name Otto, (he was a stray found near Ottowa, Kansas) but don't let that fool you, he's straight up EVIL.  Anything that can stare at you unblinking for long periods of time the way that cat does, is just not cool.

Otto would love for nothing more than to be Dorothy's one and only.  He purrs when she pets him and winds her tail around her LIKE AN EVIL SNAKE.  But he hisses at me and snarls and tries to swat my nose with his claws, and I can tell you it's a good thing that I am a WARRIOR WIREHAIR TERRIER and I have no fear of the evil Otto cat, and I charge him without hesitation (I also weigh more than him).  He knows I'm boss, but I'm not really 100 percent happy until he finds some other farm to live on.

As far as my dream?  Oooooh, that's super easy.  My dream is for me to live with Dorothy forever and ever, without any weird things from Oz or any Otto cats around interfering with us.  I would like to be able to talk to her sometimes.  But I don't wanna freak her out too much.  So just us together forever and ever.  And no cats anywhere.

Thanks for the question!

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