Ask Toto A Question #20

Dear Toto, what kind of treats do you like?

- @angelwhip (Trina Mock)

Hi Trina!

Boy oh boy oh boy are you going to buy some treats for me!? I LURVE YOU LOTS AND LOTS!

This is a very important question, especially since you gotta be careful out there in the Dog Treats department, especially since some of those chicken jerky treats from China are very very bad news indeed.

Which is why my favorite treats are the kind that people eat. If it’s good enough for you guys, it’s TOTALLY good enough for me. Unless it’s chocolate, because we all know that chocolate is a big huge no no for dogs.

Aunt Em likes to think carrots are a good dog treat. She is wrong. Carrots are a veggie, a side dish, an important source of nutrients, an obligatory food. Sure, I’ll eat them, but let’s be real, carrots are NOT a treat.

Here are some of my FAVORITE TREATS:

BACON BACON BACON!!!! Bac-Os do not count as bacon.

APPLES!!!! Ryan Gosling knows this.

And lastly, CHEETOS! (the puffy kind, please)

I can’t to see you on the farm, Trina, arms loaded with these goodies! I will even share with you, as long as you understand that “two for me, one for you, three for me, one for you,” counts as sharing.

Thanks for the question!

Ask Toto A Question runs twice a month until the questions run out. Don't let that happen! Send Toto your queries at thedogtoto@yahoo.com.

REPOST: Ask Toto #12

Because it's the Christmas season, I thought it was appropriate to revisit an Ask Toto from June 14, 2009.

Dear Toto,

I'm not normally the type to write in to columns like this, but things have been changing in my life and I fear I'm losing control of my situation. My neighbor, Bianca , said you gave her some great advice so I'm hoping you can help me too.

I have been living with the same two humans for over seven years now. At first it was great. She would take me on long runs where I could show off my athletic prowess and he would snuggle with me at night. I was always the top spoon in the drawer... if you know what I mean.

About four years ago, though, things started to change. Mommy (as I've grown accustomed to calling her) and I stopped running as often. I tried encouraging her by getting excited whenever she opened the drawer where her running clothes were, but it was to no avail. I also stopped getting as many "you're so cute" comments. Finally, one horrible Christmas, Mommy and Daddy (I can hardly even call them that anymore) put a stupid Santa hat on my head just so they could take a picture of me. I was so embarrassed! I did my best to be patient with them, but apparently it wasn't enough. The next year they brought home another dog to live with us. How disgusting! What's worse, they had the nerve to call her my sister!

Still, I was the patient one. I endured it when they started bringing her along on runs and went gaga over her athletic prowess. (So what if she can climb trees!) They think she's soooo cute even though she's not that smart. (She watches other animals on TV and thinks they're real. I've never been fooled by that. I realize that they aren't real. They're just actors... playing parts.)

Despite all this, I have taken the high road. I even look out for her. When they pulled the Santa-hat thing on her, I was all over it. I tried to save her reputation by pulling it off her head, but she just walked away from me. She even seemed to like the hat! What's up with that?

I finally hit my limit the other night when I came in to go to bed and found that the humans were snuggling with her... making her the top spoon in the drawer... if you know what I mean. That was it. I sat down with an harrumph and refused to get in bed. My "father figure" patted the bed behind him as if I was supposed to just curl up by myself over there. I responded by trotting around the bed and sitting down with another harrumph.

Finally, I was speaking my mind. And I won! My little strike forced him to roll over and snuggle with me. It was so liberating!

And yet, I feel like maybe I've gone too far. Is this the kind of behavior that we should be promoting? Do I want other little doggies to see me act this way? I don't want to turn into one of those controlling, manipulative little bitches that get there way by pouting all the time.

What do you think? Am I doing the right thing?

Sincerely,
Angst-Filled-Ebony
Glendale, CA

Hi Ebony! Ah yes, it’s all fun and games and Top Spoons In The Drawer until they bring a new dog home. Sharing is so difficult, isn’t it? It’s why I’m soooooooooo glad I’m such an amazing awesome dog that I’m all Dorothy needs.

Here’s the thing about life that’s hard for us dogs to understand: Life changes. It what!? I KNOW! It’s crazy, isn’t it! Us dogs, we’re pretty much content to do the same things over and over again. We have no concept of time. Of course we don’t, we don’t wear watches, we don’t know what a clock is. We know when it’s time for a run when she opens the drawer where her running clothes are. We know it’s time for a run when they grab the leash. We know when it’s time to be fed when our tummy growls. We know it’s time to go outside and do our thing when…well, you know.

Humans are different. They get bored. They what!? I KNOW! What’s up with that!? So humans like to shake things up by training for half marathons, changing the furniture in the room, new paint on the walls, or bringing other dogs home, everything that throws our world into chaos because it’s not the same.

P.S., a special aside to all humans out there. DO NOT PUT A SANTA HAT ON YOUR DOG! Don’t do it. Just…don’t. You think it looks cute, IT’S NOT! WE HATE IT! IT SUCKS! IT’S UNCOMFORTABLE! No, we’re not gonna stand still for longer than three seconds. IF WE WERE SUPPOSED TO WEAR SANTA HATS ON OUR HEADS, GOD WOULD’VE MADE US THAT WAY! Did he? Did God create dogs with Santa hats already on their heads? NO! SO DON’T PUT THEM ON THERE!

Anyhow, Ebony, the point is that life changes. There’s very little we dogs can do about it, except remind our owners every single day how amazing and awesome we are (more so than our sisters), so they can’t possibly ignore us.

I also recommend you persuade your owners to buy a California King mattress. That way, there’s plenty of room for you all to be Top Spoon.

Thanks for the question!

Ask Toto A Question runs twice a month until the questions run out. Don’t let that happen! Send Toto your queries at thedogtoto@yahoo.com.

Ask Toto A Question #19

Dear Toto:

What's your favorite way to shower your owner with love? I like to sit on her computer while she looks at the internet, whatever that is. She always seems to get really excited when I sit on her hands, it's my favorite.

Thanks! Bugaboo.

I hear ya, Bugaboo. There’s definitely a side of me that worries if I don’t shower Dorothy with love, she will instantly forget that I love her. So I must keep reminding her 24/7 that she loves me because I love her. And these are my tried-and-true techniques:

I like to sit on her tummy when she’s sleeping and gaze adoringly at her face, including breathing my kibble breath right in her nose. She LOVES that.

I also like to run around in circles in between her feet when she’s working in the kitchen. You know, just to make sure she knows I’m there.

I love slobbering all OVER her face. I mean, my tongue is pretty awesome, I can’t keep it inside my mouth. Nobody would appreciate it that way. It’s gotta get out and be freeeeeee!

And I, too, like to sit on her keyboard when she’s on the computer. It’s really because I’m trying to understand this facebook thing. I know what a face is, I know what a book is, but a facebook? I thought it was a new kind of human that had a book for a head, but apparently, it’s something on the computer, and Dorothy spends HOURS typing on the keyboard for it.

Because she loves me, Dorothy set me up with my own Twitter account - http://twitter.com/#!/totothedog , and that’s pretty awesome. An because I love her, I paw at her fingers dancing across the keyboard, to remind her when it’s time to give me a tummyrub.

Oh, hey, Bugaboo, I didn’t see that you had enclosed a picture. Well, let’s just look at it, hmmm?

It’s…. you…. you’re… A CAT!?

YOU’RE A CAT!?!?!?

YOU’RE EVIL AND MUST BE DESTROYED!

I mean, thanks for the question. Just… GET OFF THAT KEYBOARD AND LEAVE YOUR POOR OWNER ALONE!!!

But seriously, thanks for the question!

Ask Toto A Question runs twice a month until the questions run out. Don't let that happen! Send Toto your queries at thedogtoto@yahoo.com.

Ask Toto #18

TOTO: Did you expose the Wizard because your people were too stupid to realize YOU could do it better? @deaniemills

Hi Deanie!

Well, I wouldn’t call them “stupid” so much as “unenlightened.” See, the thing about dogs versus people is that people don’t understand exactly how smart dogs really are. We’ve got you humans all figured out! We train you guys to within an inch of your life.

I scratch at the door means I wanna go outside. If I have you REALLY trained, you’ve installed a dog door so I can go back and forth as I please. Turning circles by the leash means I wanna go on a walk. I’ve got you guys feeding me twice a day, on a pretty set schedule. Barking means I want attention, and rolling over on my back means I want a tummy rub.

It’s not easy to train humans, and some require a little more patience than others, but I’d rather be on the sneaky side and always be underestimated than to have humans catch on to how REALLY smart I am.

It’s ironic (oh yeah, I’m a dog, but I casually drop words like ironic into casual conversation, HELL YEAH I DO! ‘CAUSE I’M SMARTER THAN YOU THINK, SEE!) that we’re talking about patience, because it’s true, when it came down to the showtime with the wizard, I didn’t wait on them. I mean, we’re all in the throne room, and we’re all listening to the disembodied voice saying “Did you kill the Wicked Witch”, and everybody’s trying to be all respectful but they’re scared, and I’m like, why are you all scared of a VOICE!? A VOICE and no body!? Why would anyone be scared of SOUND!?

So I bumped the screen and the curtain and Oops, Here’s a HUMBUG! and really, it’s just a huge lesson in Make Sure Your Throne Furnishings Are Secure, Or Else I’m Gonna Expose Your Butt, you know?

Secure your furnishings, people. Because when you don’t secure, it makes a SEC out of URE and me. Or something like that. Okay, fine, I’m working on my Scrabble skills. WHATEVER!

Thanks for the question!

Ask Toto A Question runs twice a month until the questions run out. Don’t let that happen! Send Toto your queries at thedogtoto@yahoo.com.

Look Who's Back!

And now we're REALLY legit!



















That's right, Say Goodbye, Toto has been published by the good good folks over at Contemporary Drama Service. Now you, your school, your drama department, your local theater community, or your best group of buddies can stage your own version of our lovable little scamp and his revisionist adventures.

Check out our page over at Contemporary Drama Service.

We're moving on up!!!

Pre-Show Rituals

Actors all have their individual pre-show warm-ups – Vocal exercises that seem nutso to random passerby, but are excellent for warming up vocal cords, to yoga and Pilates stretches on the set, to under-breath tongue twisters while pacing backstage (Jake Elsas, who plays the Wizard, and myself traded variations on “The Big Black Bear.”)

But this is the first show I’ve been involved in where the cast has bonded to such a degree that they do group pre-show rituals. Because it’s such an ensemble piece, and there’s so much happening onstage, they play improv games in order to get the creative juices flowing, as well as sharpening focus and concentration. Yes, it would seem nutso to the random passerby as they stand in a circle and shout things like “Zip! Zap! Zop!” while rapidly jabbing fingers at each other. But it’s actually helping them get their energy levels up after what seems like the ten thousandth show. (None of us can remember what life was like before the show, though I’m sure we’ll figure it out soon.)

My favorite part comes when Stephaine Boltjies, our awesome stage director, calls for places. We all circle up, do a Go Team hands in, and then shout “OZ!” and dance around to the Go Bananas song for a few moments. There really is nothing better than being able to dance with your cast. I highly recommend it.

Ask Toto A Question # 17

Dear Toto,

I've always wondered about your background. No disrespect to Dorothy, but it's obvious that she's a "hick from the sticks" or "local yokel" (as they say in the urban port cities). You, on the other hand, are far more worldly and self-assured. It's simply undeniable! For example, when you and Dorothy travel to Oz, who greets every sight with a slack jaw and eyes a-poppin'? Hint: it's not you. So where do you originally hail from and how did you ever end up on a dreary little farm in Kansas? (I will understand if you can't say anything due to matters of national security, but I sincerely hope that will not be the case.)

Signed,

Curiouser and Curiouser

Hi Curiouser and Curiouser!

I originally hailed from my mom, though thankfully, I don’t remember a thing about the experience. A lot of people ask me about my breed, and to that I say, hey, YOU try drinking out of a water bowl and coming away with a spotless muzzle….huh? What? Breed, not Breeding?

Oh.

My breed is Mutt, with an emphasis on terrier. And as to Breeding, I do the best I can. Again, Exhibit A – Low Water Bowl Means No One Comes Away From It Looking Awesome.

As to how did I end up on a farm? Well, um, gosh. Let me ask YOU Curiouser. What’s the first thing you remember out of your whole life? Do you remember being small? Do you remember how you got home from the people hospital? No? Neither do I!

As far back as I remember, it’s always been me and Dorothy, Dorothy and me. There’s not a day that goes by that she’s not in. She’s the very first thing I remember out of all my days. I don’t remember anything before her, and I don’t wanna remember anything without her.

Cause Dorothy’s pretty damn cool.

As far as my cool collected demeanor when we landed in Oz, it’s because, well, I’m awesome. NO, no, it’s just…I’ve got my priorities. Do I wanna stare at the colors? Do I wanna star at the short weird people? NO!

I wanna make sure Dorothy is safe at all times. We’re in the strange land, meeting strange people, seeing strange things. There could be danger at every turn. I gotta make sure my woman is safe and sound and gawking at whatever she wants to gawk at.

So there you go. It’s about priorities. And breeding. HA!

Ask Toto A Question runs every other week until the questions run out. Don’t let that happen! Send Toto your queries at thedogtoto@yahoo.com.