So! We're past Christmas, and I bet
some of you well intentioned humans got your dogs squeaky toys for
Christmas. Maybe it was an impulse buy at the PetCo, next to the
doggie treats that are supposed to make your dog's breath smell great
(sucker, those don't work).
Sure,
you think it's good exercise. Or it gives you the break you need so
you can make dinner or watch Jon Stewart or go through the mail or
something. Perhaps you think it's adorable to give the furry
squirrel with a squeaker inside of it to your dog and watch him go
bananas.
Here's
the thing, though. I gotta tell you, honestly, those Squeaky Toys?
They drive dogs insane.
And not in a good way.
Imagine
this – a can of
savory candied
cashews. Or a plate of
delicious strawberries, covered with a plastic lid. A take out bag
of yummy drool-worthy tacos? Whatever it is that makes your taste
buds tingle. Can you see it? It's right in front of you. You can
even smell it.
Now
imagine you can't get it open.
No
matter how hard you hammer the can or work at that plastic lid, or
batter that bag, you cannot get it open. You can see it, you can
smell it, you are SO CLOSE to eating it, but you can't get it open.
That's
what's it like for dogs and squeaky toys.
We
can't leave it alone. WE HAVE TO GET THE SQUEAKER OUT! We HAVE to,
I'm telling you. We have rip
that stuffed animal apart, chomp that squeaker inside, and trail
stuff and fluff all over the floor.
Don't you understand what happens if we leave that squeaker inside
the stuffed chipmunk? IT WILL CONTINUE TO SQUEAK THE NEXT TIME WE
PLAY WITH IT! THE SQUEAKER DOES NOT ABIDE! IT DOES NOT, IT DOES
NOT, IT DOES NOT!
It's
madness. Pure madness. The squeaker, taunting us, like a deranged
whistle pounding at our eardrums. We're talking real OCD doggie
behavior. We can't think, we can't go on a walk, we can't eat...
okay, yes, we can. But it's not as much fun to eat, knowing that
squeaker in that stuffed fox is STILL THERE.
Yes,
it is fun for dogs. But fun in like the most grimly determined of
ways. Fun like going to an all you can eat buffet. Where you know
you're overeating, but you HAVE to try everything on the buffet
because it's there, and it's all you can eat, and you are going to
sample every last dessert in the dessert section!
So you
can buy your dog a squeaky toy. But take pity, and also buy that cut
of filet mignon (real meat,
not the squeaky toy version.)
Because your dog is gonna EARN that sucker, oh yes, he is.
